St. Patricks Day

St. Patricks day is coming up so I will be bar hopping tonight with my rugby team, trying to sell shamrocks and whatnot to support our spring season. Hopefully that will be a good time. I have this idea for St. Patricks day for a shirt that says "Everyone loves an Irish girl (too bad I'm not one). THis would help include us non irish in the festivities and make me feel like less of a poser for wearing green. Maybe I will just buy a five dollar shirt and write on it with sharpie. Doesn't really matter since I will be spending time with my team. I it will be nice to see some familiar faces again. I am hoping to be more involved with the team this spring. As excited as I am for the season, it will take up a lot of my time and I am worried that my relationship with B will be scaled back even further from what it is now. We are going on a trip to MONTANA in a few weeks to visit an old friend of mine. I am really hoping the trip will be fun because I convinced him to go and if he spends all that money and doesn’t have a good time I will be sad. I am excited to see Jon, I haven't seen him in forever and I want to be able to get into his world. Also I want cheap snowboarding and a chance to hang out on a mountain with my boyfriend. Check, check and check. I am craving wings pretty hard tonight, and I think I will go to NYE'S, a bar in Minneapolis. They have the most incredible wings. I just wish I had someone to go with because I have called a few people and nobody seems interested. Maybe I won't go and not gain 2 lbs and not spend nine dollars alone instead….hmmmm. tough call. On one hand I have, making the right decision, and on the other hand I have, completely pigging out on wings. Life is just pretty tough I guess.

Dexter

The show Dexter, which is on Showtime is coming to CBS. I bought the first season of it yesterday so that I don't need my friend mentioned in my last post in order to watch it. The show is phenomenal and I feel like his monologues are scarily similar the the words I tell myself in my head. No, I am not a serial killer. Yet. Kidding. Kiiiidddiiinng. Please don't report me. If you haven't seen this show I highly recommend it. So far it's good. It needs to pick up on the non major character development side of things in my opinion but I love the concept and Michael C Hall is hot hot hot. Anyway, I will be forced to watch 6 hours of television a day until I am done with season one. That puts me to about...2 viewings. Luckily theres only 12 episodes.

Second day of running...IN A ROW. This is a good thing. I have ran three out of the last four days. I intend to keep it up as long as its warm. er. Thats all for now.

They spell it PUGLIA (OOGLIA)

Lately at work, I have been experiencing the strangeness that comes with having people who actually care. Not because they have to because they know you, or are committed to you but because it is a lifestyle for them. The people i love, and know very well do care about me yes. There isn't really anything that is quite the same though, as feeling the caring of someone who doesn't really have to care for you back. My work is filled with strong Christians, and although I know it doesn't take being a Christian to care for a stranger, I can feel the positivity and the love that comes from being there every day. As mindless as my job feels sometimes, I love my co-workers. Some of them are annoying. Some of them don't know when to shut up. They all have good hearts though. They are unselfish and generally very humble, a quality I strive for and desire to surround myself with. I actually felt like I got something done today at work to which is different than usual. I had to work pretty hard to find these parts that got aired in from Germany and placed in the wrong warehouse.

As much as a I love my job, i cant stop dreaming about this very very remote possibility that I may have to go to Italy. I found a want ad by a woman looking for someone to house sit and look after her dog next winter. I don't see myself ever getting this job but good job for her, she now has an official American stalker. I just cant see myself ever getting anywhere anymore after all the disappointment's and frustration that I have had in the last four years. It paralyzes me and even if I dont get this job, I am proud of myself for even being brave enough to be let down. I know that the whole thing about how you cant succeed if you never try thing is super cliche, but in all honesty I feel like that is the way I am slowly learning to live my life, but opposite. You cant fail if you never try. So in this time, while I am somewhat financially stable I am trying to turn that attitude around. I am trying to not be afraid of failure anymore. Taking the job I had now was really hard for me and I am glad I did it. I don't know where I would be if I had said no because I was too afraid. I am not sure where the fearless girl I used to know went but if I can find her I will.

I am having a bit of a difficult time right now. I cant be to specific as certain people do read this blog who could use what I say against me. But, my very good friend who I have learned to lean on probably too much has found a "relationship" of sorts and I am kind of jealous because he hasn't called me in two weeks and hasn't wanted to hang out for a while. I just feel like he is going to be like all my other "friends", he is going to drop me like a fucking hot pocket as soon as something better comes along. I hope he doesn't but if and when he does I am 100% mentally out of here. I don't know what I will do if he proves himself to be like everybody else. So far hes stuck with me through a lot but the outlook looks grim. Honestly, if he fucks me over I am gone and he can go fuck himself. Same old story, boys, girls, rugby people, church friends, camp friends. I need out.

My room is a pile of clothes again as usual. I cleaned the kitchen real good tonight but now I have to do this so that I can make sure its clean for the weekend. Bang and I (my friend who haaas stuck by me) are doing a diet together and I hope it encourages her to lose some of the weight she has been trying to lose forever. She has been annoying me a little lately but at the same time she has been a really good friend. I told her some things that I hadnt been exactly honest with her about, and instead of getting mad at me she just told me I was stupid and that I should have just told her the truth. I apologized fro lying to her and she said it was ok but that she wasn't going to judge me and it was exactly what I needed to hear. It feels so good to have her accept me for who I am no matter how different we are. SHe is so argumentative and frustrating but I need to learn to be less prideful and less condescending and just let her be right sometimes when its not important. She deserves a friend who is as accepting of her faults as she is of mine and I dont think I have been doing a good job of that the last few months. We have been spending some good quality time together lately so thats good. Prolly cuz the two nights a week i have to spend with my other friend, she is home but I am usually not. Now I am. She is pressuring me to go on a vacation with her to Puerto Rico this summer though and I can't for the life of me see why she would want to go to a hot country while its so gorgeous and warm in MN. I guess i can see why, (its cheap) but I don't want to spend all that money when I can be all warm outside for free.

Thats all for now.

The new lyrics I put on my *social network* of choice. OH songs that describe my life, what would i do without you? Its how I feel. Thats right. I'm emo.

"My life's a combination of my past achievements
With a lotta heavy lifting, lotta deep breathing
A lotta courage, lotta doubts a lotta mixed feelings
A lotta love a lotta luggage for a lotta reasons
I ain't forgot about the pain and all the mistreatments
I ain't forgot the little box they try to wiggle me in
I ain't forgot about the flower deep underneath the crowded streets
Sprouting inbetween the cracks see me shout baby
Follow like a lock in, in the Colliseum
And you can positive I think I'm in the mausoleum
You think I'll ever hang it up hoh body stop dreaming
You think I'll ever stop oh baby now you're reaching
I won't stop till I feel my lungs stop breathing
I won't stop till I feel my heart stop beating" -Lyrics Born

Does anyone ever take the deal??

Any of you, anybody out there, please. If you have seen, browsed, "perused" my blog, in any way....please answer me this question. I don't particuly like the show Deal or no Deal, but ive seen it maybe 4 times. I will continue to watch this show if only to see someone take the deal. If I should save my breath because its never gonna happen then i will be able to stop watching. As stands now i am addicted. i think. i hope not. So please if you see my blog, comment and tell me if youve watched deal or no deal and if you have ever seen anyone take the deal....thanks.

Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas eve day I woke up this morning with a lot of things on my mind. As I lay in bed trying to figure out how I was going to get my last minute shopping done my mind started to wander. You would think that it would wander to the season, or to my family but nope. I started thinking about sex. I guess that isn't really a surprise but it isn't the first thing that usually pops into my head on Christmas. But as I lay there i was thinking, Why is there no male birth control pill? I mean, obviously the technology is there. Clearly it would have something to do with hormone replacement. We have had contraceptives for women since the late 60's. I mean, come on....right? Well, i did some searching on google and I came up with a few links. This one http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3543478/ in particular looked interesting. I am not a fancy pants so I don't know how to make links work so readers, if youre interested copy and paste plzthx. (stole that from my boyfriends blog, love love love it) This is an article about male contraceptives. At first I was sad that it wasn't an original million dollar idea and after I started reading I was, truthfully, a bit sadder. I mean, yes I am excited that male contraceptives are starting to be an option, but when you read into the article they are really, like I stated earlier, the exact same thing as contraceptives for females. They inject testosterone in small doses into the male system. It seems to me from the article like they began to take this seriously in the early 90s? My question is, Why the fuck did this take 30+ years to develop, whereas we have had female contraceptives so long???? I believe there are several answers to that. The first and most prominent is the long held subconcious belief that it is a womans "fault" if she gets pregnant. Sex is never punished or noticed until a woman gets pregnant. As she is the visible sign of an invisible "problem" it has long been custom in cultures across the world for women to be blamed for pregnancy. Therefore, when first thinking about birth control, way back when women's rights were still a flicker in most eyes, the obvious way of controlled pregnancy started with women. They need to be fixed, they need to change. In reality, these two sciences should have been developed side by side. The fact that nobody thought of even trying to control a mans sperm count is just really sad. Condoms, being the only real form of male birth control seem to have gained publicity more so as a result of the AIDS and other STD crises' round the world.
I am sure that there are plenty of loving caring heterosexual relationships where the guy faithfully wears condoms and cares very much about not getting his girlfriend pregnant for selfless reasons. But, I would say many many men, given the chance to have sex with a girl with no condom and no direct consequences to them (say a one night stand perhaps?) would take it. Condoms are uncomfortable and as little problem and as inexpensive as they are, men care more often about their comfort it seems than the person with whom they are having intimate relations. (This is in no way meant to bash my very very lovely boyfriend with whom I occasionally have non protected sex. I love our sex and I want to have your babies. JK. Kind of)
Looking at this article gave rise to more suspicions about the male ego. Men don't want their sperm fucked with. It is as bad or worse I would say in this culture for men to be sterile than for women. The stigma that follows a man who is sterile is perpetuated almost solely by men. This is just an opinion but I feel like women are far more accepting of men being sterile in a relationship than a man is if he wants kids and his wife is sterile. Clearly I have no evidence of this but it just furthers my opinion that men bring this stigma on themselves. I think that this stigma, in combination with the undercurrent of belief perpetuating that women are the "temptation" and that it is all their fault if they become pregnant, has led to a delay in mens contraception. I am glad that it is finally happening and it will be interesting to see the differences of opinion among men. I mean, don't get me wrong. A lot of women don't want to be on any form of birth control because they do not want to fuck with their hormones and possibly (but unsupported by research) with their future ability to have children. So, it is a completely valid argument that a man may not want his dong fucked with either. But in some cases it will be interesting to see how taking birth control medication (or not taking it) will be directed by a man's false sense of importance and a definition of himself that is put in place by his sexuality, his performance, his ability to make children.

Now that I am done with my halfhearted, poorly worded feminist rant I would also like to say that yesterday it was three months since I officially started dating B. We were so excited to spend Christmas together all the way back in Sept. and I am still so excited to give him his gifts tomorrow night. He and I with my roommate are exchanging them. That will be really fun. We have definitely had some up and downs in our relationship so far and I can't help but wonder where the next few months will bring us. I can't quite see to the end of this relationship like I have been able to in the past and as nervous as it makes me I want to continue to put my all into it. He is my Godsend and quickly becoming one of my best friends. Merry Christmas to my lover and my boyfriend, my partner and my other half. I have a whole list of trouble I want to start with you so you best not leave me yet.

I wrote this two weeks ago

Good morning bloggers of America. I do not have access to my blog at work and therefore there has been a significant change in the status of them for the past month. I will continue to blog though, never fear. So, I should probably run over a few major changes in my life thus far such as my new JOB and oh you know, my new JOB. The last time I blogged was the day before I found out I even had an option at this job. So since then, I have taken this job expediting at a company that buys and sells small fasteners to companies like Polaris and john Deere. It’s a pretty mundane job, although I like the people I work with and they bring a lot of free food to work. My boss is very nice but I can see how it could easily be a job to suck you in. There is constantly a “fire” to put out and everybody seems stressed with the exception of two other people and myself. The politics of the job have become fascinating to me as I have finally attained status in an office position. Sure its not like The Office the show, but there is still a bit of drama and enough gossip to keep one occupied. I think that the most interesting thing about working for this company is the fact that it isn’t particularly successful. It is my first time working with people who have been laid off and then rehired, people who have stories to tell about scaling down and I can’t help but notice a marked difference in the way people go about their work. They really do work harder than I have seen for the most part, because in small ways every day they are actually all fighting to keep their jobs. It’s nothing dramatic at this point but with globalization expanding, and communication becoming easier, I am not sure that these midway companies will be getting as much business.

I had some good ideas yesterday and now I can’t really remember any of them. I know I talked with B about one of them so maybe I will ask him. Christmas is coming up soon and this is the first year in a while I have really had any money to give people what they want. I guess maybe not so much money itself but I do have the promise of money coming and a credit card. I am glad that I didn’t get a credit card until this point in my life where I have a stable job because I am already seeing how easy it is just to purchase things on credit and feel richer than you are. I have made myself a promise that after Christmas I am going to put the credit card in my Chinese puzzle box for a month while I pay off my Christmas debt and get ahead financially. I wouldn’t be sooooooo screwed financially if qwest didn’t keep overcharging me. I have a bill of 80 dollars this month that I know is overdone. It’s such a pain in the ass to call them though that I have thought about just not even saying anything. I will most likely call them however. I hate wasting money and 30 dollars is still a lot of money to be wasting at this point. I didn’t exactly budget a Christmas present for Qwest into this month.

I did however decide to get my friend Captain Tony a gift. He is this drifter guy I did a project with last year and we have kind of lost touch, mainly due to me not wanting to do any more photo for the rest of my life and him wanting me to take more pictures of him. I wish I had a digital camera that I knew how to work it because I would love to take digital pictures of him, I am just too poor and too lazy right now to work with film. I want to experiment with putting colors into black and white. His red backpack being the only thing colored and the rest of the picture in black and white, or something like that. I don’t know. Anyway, I decided to get him either a new collar for his dog or a utility knife. The latter was my friend Ben’s idea and I think it was a good one. Other than that, I am nearly done with my Christmas shopping. I think I am most excited about giving my roommate her presents.

Lately I have been getting into the Rubix Cube. Mostly, it’s B’s fault but its kinda nice to know I can do something that a lot of people think is nearly impossible. There is no way I would have figured out how to do it if it hadn’t been for B and still, I don’t have it down yet. I am fairly close though. I like the technicality of it. I like using similar moves for each layer and seeing how the moves build on eachother. I would at some point like to move past the memorization that happens at some points and figure out exactly why I am doing what I am doing. This is one of my goals.

Speaking of goals (oh how I love those smooth transitions) I met with my rugby coach last night and we talked about my goals for the spring season. From talking to her, I really started to get excited about rugby again. I can’t wait to play in the spring and I really should start doing Martha’s running program because as we talked I discovered that she’s actually got a pretty famous program (not surprising) and that unless you are on the National team or the Valkyries you have to pay to get it. So now that I feel special, I think I will focus on attempting to at least do 3 days of her program a week. I really do want to become an elite rugby player as silly as it seems when I say it out loud (or type in a blog) and I have to get my body back in shape for that.

Now that I have a job and am able to focus on something other than how I am going to keep the place in which I live, I really want to make some changes in my life. Rugby is one of those things that I have really decided I want to continue with and although I have been scared for a long time of failing in it, I don’t think I am anymore. I want to do well and I know that I will. I also need to start rebuilding my faith. Or to put it more accurately, I need to come humbly before God, confess my sins and start over. I have been so sinful these last few years that it sickens me. I really need to work on lying less, thinking of others more and looking for ways to exhibit what it means to be a real Christian. I think for this next month I am really going to focus on being truthful and watching the way in which I say things to people. I would also really like to be a better listener and learn to respond to people’s insights and stories with questions, rather than stories of my own. Don’t get me wrong people. I am a badass through and through. But, nobody wants to constantly be bombarded with (true) stories of my badassness. Yea, that’s right spell check, try to digest that word.

That’s all for now. I am not feeling especially creative, I just wanted to get something posted so this portion of my life doesn’t disappear forever.

One More Thing

Listening to Fallin' by Alisha Keys...so good. Forgot long ago about goodness levels.