Sex (and why I am having none)

Today, on the way to the library, I rode my bike behind this guy who was probably drenched in cologne. I mean, I was a good 25 feet behind him riding and it was just coming over my body in waves. Other girls think that cologne is disgusting when it is that strong, and I am sure if I was close to him I would have agreed but when it comes down to it, him being drenched in an unfathomable amount of cologne made my bike ride awesome. He was actually a fairly unattractive guy but of course I kept feeling that strange monster in my belly that comes out when I smell mens cologne. If guys really understood the amazing things that cologne can do to women I don' t think we would have a chance. I think men don't really understand because possibly perfume doesn't smell that great to them. To me, I would prefer to wear cologne all the time if I could. In ninth grade I went through a phase where I wore Curve for men all the time and didn't care what anyone thought. I also would go to an Abercrombie store and spray their cologne on my pillowcase. A lot of my lesbian friends wear cologne and I think the only way you could get me to makeout with a girl would be if she was wearing Very Sexy cologne by Victoria Secret. This cologne is the ultimate end, what I love to smell. I think I have a fantasy about having unbelievable sex with a guy wearing that stuff. MMMMMM.
Speaking of fantasies....Last night I was on the phone with a "friend" of mine and we were talking about M-sterbation (now if my roommate read this she would have no idea what I mean:)). I claimed that I have an almost complete inability to do the deed unless my hands are doing absolutely no work. I have only successfully completed the task where there are certain hot tub jets involved. Of course he didn't believe me, claiming that I put on the facade that I don't masturbate like all girls. The thing is, I don't know a lot of girls anymore who put on that facade. What is the gain in lying about something like masturbation? I mean, it turns guys on! Every guy I know loves a girl who knows how to pleasure herself. I mean, yea they want to do it themselves but they want to know that a girl feels that sexual freedom. Yet there is still somewhat of a stigma among girls that they should not let the person they are with, or anyone for that matter know about it. I think it is possibly, one of the only "sexisms" that has been perpetrated by women and not men. The idea that a woman should masturbate and be ok with it has been accepted if not embraced by men since the nineties for sure. Yet women hold back. I think shows like Sex and the City have really helped a lot of women unwind about that issue (it may be the ONLY good thing about that show). Sadly enough however, I just can't do it. I need someone there, I need so much more than a cucumber on a drill (ahem *brian). Maybe it is just because I like to have things done to me. So, being in control just isn't my gig. I might be one of the only girls who isn't lying about masturbating. In the past it has been extremely frusterating that it isn't something I can do and it (possibly) has put undo pressure on the man of the moment. I mean, if he can't make me go then nothing can and sometimes I resent him for not being able to or not wanting to make me go. I also resent that if he doesn't want to do anything at the time, that when he feels like it and if I'm not there he can just make himself happy. There's no waiting for me, there's no week or three of desperately wanting. I wish someday that I could date a guy who would just try not masturbating for like a month. Just to make it an even playing field. I mean, I have dated guys who "accuse" me of being more sexual than them, but I mean, youd be sexual too if you didn't get it off in the shower in the morning and then on your computer at night. Maybe then the field would be more evened out. Anyway, it isn't a problem that I have to deal with very often, I can go running or eat food or smoke some pot if I really am having issues. I just think its odd that the only girl in the world who WANTS to be able to say she masturbates just cannot do it.
Onto other things. So the loose fur album is amazing. I haven't had a whole album that can describe my life at a time in a while but I have a feeling this is the one. It isn't leaving my cd player for a while thats for sure. I just love the awkward phrasing, the absolute beauty of 100% alternative music. I wish I could play alternative music on the guitar without making it sound like country. I am just so happy that I have a CD to point to this time in my life. Something to make me feel some comfort 5 years from now when my life is completely different. Of course I will most likely be homeless so I am not sure how I am going to manage to actually listen to an album. I am truly thinking of cutting my hair short. I think for the first time I might actually go for it. I want to get it straightened too so I don't have to deal with the whole puff ball thing from fifth grade. I have a picture I stole off of a hair dye box in the store freshman year saved onto my computer. Maybe when I get the internet at home I will put it up here so all of my devoted fans can vote yes or no. Probably not though. I am a lazy lazy girl.
Actually, my self control has been fairly good lately. Usually when I lose a job I lose all self control along with it. I don't want to get out of bed and I eat all the time. I spend money that I don't have and I buy things I don't need. However, I have been doing fairly well this time. I am going to the library every day to look for jobs. I made a pact that I wasn't going to go out to eat for the next three weeks and so far I have made the grade. I have been smoking unnecessary amounts of weed but other than that I am peachy. Such a team player. Wow. I wrote an extremely long email to a friend before this and now I am blah blah blahing worse than ever. I like this blog post though. C++. However, more than ever I am glad that it is a secret secret blog. Only one person I know well (maybe two) thus far has discovered it and I plan on keeping it that way. For a long time.