Unlocked Doors and 5 Hour Bike Rides

So, I haven't been blogging that much lately. Mainly because my life is so completely boring that I have nothing really to write about but partially because I have had very few new thoughts or ideas. I did have one the other night though. So, I have this weird thing where I don't like to shut or lock doors. I often sleep with my room door open, and more often than that I don't lock my door at night. I should. I mean, I live in scary Murderapolis. But for some reason I have this internal struggle every time I lock my door at night. The whole leaving my own room door open thing, that can be explained. As a kid I was never really allowed to keep my door shut. Unless I was changing or sleeping, I had to have my door open even as a teenager. My mom associated shut doors with being antisocial and maybe as a result I have done the same. Not that it's bad to be antisocial. Its just that I live with a roommate and for the most part, I have no reason to shut the door on her. I want her to be able to come to me at any time. I think I am also a bit clausterphobic. When the door is shut I feel like I am stuck in my space. This applies particularly to when I am cleaning my room. I feel like my feet are stuck to the floor, like I can't move. I have no problem with shut doors at other people's houses. It's just this very odd thing. Locked doors....thats a different story. My parents always locked our doors at night so the habit can't be steeped in my childhood. I think I have this weird idea that if someone really needed to get into our house they should be able to. Like, there have been nights where I have been walking alone in my town and picked out houses that looked like I could run to if I were being chased. I would look for friendly looking living rooms and houses with lights on. I think that deep down inside I don't like to lock doors because it makes it impossible for someone who desperately needs help to get inside. Case in point. At our apartment last year, we lived on the third floor. Our neighbors were boyfriend and girlfriend that were living together. Well they started fighting a lot, and one night the boy didn't come home. The girl had resigned herself to sleeping outside on the floor, but then she decided to see if we were home. She knocked but no one came to the door so she tried the handle and it was open. She then came into our room and asked my roommate if she could sleep on our couch. So she spent the night there. In my screwed up head that little hospitality is worth risking being raped in the middle of the night. Sometimes I do lock our door. But every time I do it, I have this little internal battle. I want to help people and its odd that I am so sure that not locking my door is the way to do it. The chances are so low yet for some reason its hard to believe my good sense...

Moving on. I wrote another song the other day. Of course it sounds suspiciously like the Wilco song, I am trying to break your heart. Other than that little problem, I like it. I will post a copy here. I wrote it for the boy I like. I don't know how well he liked it because the lyrics really only fit that Wilco song which is annoying. But, I think its good and I am happy i finally finished it. It needs hardcore tweaking but here is the first draft I guess.

I fell asleep with my fingers on the keyboard
trying to find a song to make me think of you
In my daze i searched for words like"pretty"
pretty witty now in late morning blue
There weren't letters to describe my emotion
Couldn't find them in American alphabet
D-A-H is the best that i came up with
Coincidentally the last thing that i said

Before I slept
Before I dreamt of
White light
and white noise
and white boys
who looked like you
but weren't true
just smoke in the heat
of the fire in the room


You captivate me to the very last detail
You hold my gaze in the shadows of your face
And when you blink I see your lashes falling
These quick short pictures as they fall into place
My eyes are stuck, they're glued
addicted to the motions
my head is drumming, humming hip hop melodies
you wouldn't know them, they're not from Minnesota
where we lay naked in this warm summers breeze

And as we slept
I dreamt of
long nights
and short fights
and bright lights
surrounding our space
but they left no trace
Just a memory of the brightness
on your waking face

The other day I called to tell you how I feel
I called to show you that my thoughts could be defined
Instead I sat, the phone lifeless in my fingers
the feelings lingered, rough and unrefined.
I want to shout I want to scream that I am lucky
Instead I write down several clever rhymes
I really hope I really pray that you find wisdom
To take this mess and start to read between the lines.

For now I'll sleep
For now I'll dream of
White light
and white noise
and white boys
who look like you
but can't be true
just smoke in the heat
of the fire in the room
only smoke in the heat
of the fire in the room


So now I have a somewhat permanent copy. I should really write it all down. I am especially happy with the whole first verse. The other verses have good parts but that is the most finished and refined.

The job search continues to go terribly. I am so sick of people being like "Don't worry L. You'll find a job soon." Unless you have a job to offer me STOP SAYING THAT. I mean. I don't mind being asked and I don't mind your sympathy. But I would rather you just be empathetic for a moment and then move on or ask me how I feel about the whole thing, than make promises and prophecies that you cannot keep. James 4:13-16 says "Look here, you people who say, 'Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a great profit.' How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog-it's here a little while, then it's gone. What you ought to say is ' If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.' Otherwise you will be boasting about your own plans and all such boasting is evil." It's not like my friends are evil or trying to say they know everything. They are just trying to help but they don't know what will happen to me. I could get shot or end up homeless or a trophy wife or go to peace corps or become the next millionaire with my cinnamon cream cheese sticky rice deep fried in pancake batter. The point is YOU DON'T KNOW. So stop trying to pretend you know I will get a job when you don't. (I do thank God so much for the gig he has given me this weekend however and I do pray for more of them)

Let's seeeeeeeee (High Fidelity) I suppose that I should state that although the Boy from the Summer chapter is closed, the Boy that I am now Dating chapter has begun. I am now officially tied down, spoken for etc. I am still working out how I feel about it. This is only the second boy I have ever dated that I felt this way about. This is the second boy where my selfish feelings seem to take backseat for once and I want to be a good person. He makes me want to be a better person. Thats a good thing. Since we became "official" I have not been nearly as nervous or frusterated or angry at him for things that I imagine in my head or slight issues that we have had. I think that is also a good thing. The only bad thing is, I still don't know if this is a good time in my life for this to be happening. I am still very attached to the idea of being free to do what I want which I will not lie, includes seeing whoever I want as well. The thing is, there just doesn't seem to me in my head to be another better than him. And it's not like that Pearl Jam song either. (Can't find a better man) I mean, he is amazing. Why would I ever want to be with someone else. I guess thats how dating is supposed to work. I guess I really should only have dated like two other people according to those feelings. I have dated so many people where I did not feel that way its kind of sad. Anyway. As it is, I am happy and kind of nervous. I mean, our whole relationship so far has been based on the excitement of not knowing whats ahead and also the known fact that we would not be together after this. Hmmmm. Time will tell maybe.

I went on a really long bike ride yesterday around the Grand Rounds in Minneapolis. It was fairly rewarding although I wished that I had brought maybe a small lock for my bike because there were three or four places that I wanted to get out and explore and I had to ride by them. It was a bit like a tease. I mean all these wooded areas with unsolved mysteries and I had to pass them by! Painful. When I got home my legs were quite wobbly. I am guessing I biked somewhere between 30 and 40 miles. Closer to 30 I am sure. I must be the slowest biker ever thought because the trip took me about 5 hours. I did stop for lunch though and it was delicious. I also never change gears on my bike so I think I bike slower than someone walking up the hills. Webber Park and Wirth Park are parks I will specifically need to go back to and explore. I want to bring B for boy if he comes back to visit me before it gets cold. It doesn't look like he will though with my rugby schedule. The only time he will be home, I will (hopefully with enough money) be in Chicago kicking some Midwest championship ass. Oh well. I am sure that there will be lots of bridges like that to cross when we get to them. Anyway, time to go watch someones stupid wedding slide show pictures all night while I cater. The food better be effing good.