So little time

Wow. Tonight a bridge on 35w collapsed into the river near my house. They are saying that nearly 50 cars were on it and fell into the river. They have gotten all the cars out but there are still search and rescue teams. Right now the death count is up to anywhere between three and five. Its very sobering. I was working on a photo project at the time and it felt very strange to be sitting in such a sheltered area while the city was going crazy around me. Getting home wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be thank God.
Today I finally spent some much needed time alone. After work I went over to the photo lab and spent 5ish hours just printing shit up. Stuff I wanted to print. Not anything some dumb photo teacher was going to tear apart. Man, I fucking hated critiques. I can't even recall a critique I came out of not crying. I hated that walk across the bridge back home. Anyway, I really like some of the stuff I made today. Maybe I will put it up on the blog later. I just got done getting in a little spat with my dad though so I dont really feel like fucking around with my printer. Plus I am on my crazy roomates computer and I don't know how its happening but my clicker keeps going up on the wrong words. Typos galore. I was feeling great about my alone time earlier but since I got home and my dad yelled at me, now I kinda wish i was with a friend. But those are the times I need to start focusing on. I am so sick of being addicted to people. I need to want to be alone most of the time not just when I am doing fun shit. Tonight would be a great night for that midnight swim. I think I will do it tomorrow. I don't have training friday so that should work perfectly. If I go swim in the mississipi I can have a party with the dead bodies. Too early for that joke? Yea, I thought so.
I am starting to get really antsy for the fall. I mean, there are a few things about this summer that I am going to miss, primarily suntanning, my HS friends being home, that one boy and whatnot, but all in all, i am ready for the next phase. Whoever I bring with me into that phase, thats great. But I want a new apartment, I want my new job to start producing cash, I want bonfires, flannel shirts, the smell of burning leaves. I want cool days to run in, rugby games, football season, Halloween and the burning desire to make that unecessary glass of hot chocolate. This summer has been so slow. It feels like I have been holding my breath. There has been a lot of mystery and excitement. Tons of anxiety, but the good kind. There are only a few necessary things left to do. I have to go up to the north shore, I have to get the perfect tan, I have to go to church outside and I have to sleep out on top of the roof of my apartment.
Its going to be weird not being in school this year. Althou'gh, I don't feel yet like there is a piece of me missing, I am pretty sure it will happen at some point. I mean, what the heck do I do with myself? I have made very few friends in college and moving to my new apartment further away will ostrocize me further from those I have made. I don't have a real job yet so I can't really throw myself into that. I don't have a real boyfriend or anyone I could even allow myself to think seriously about and still keep part of my dignity, so I know I am not headed in my sisters direction. I guess the place to look now is Seattle. My biggest dream. I am fucking headed there and I dare you to stop me. I don't know if it will be with Shelli or Nate or myself, but someday soon I am going to feel the ocean breeze off the most beautiful city in the U.S.
This blog has turned out to be somewhat dissapointing. I am realizing now that at least at this moment in my life the thing I am most concerned about is myself. I am my own number one priority. BLUACK. It is awkard to admit that, but all of these blogs have been so self centered. I is easy to claim that it is because I have been going through so many changes. And I have. I mean, I have been asked to stretch myself this summer, and I have forced myself to allow myself to be stretched. This has required an unusual amount of self analysis. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think it stretches into my own sin. I have had somewhat of an inability to feel for many other people than myself. I am having a hard time putting myself into their shoes which is usually something that comes easy for me. I am completely focused on the task at hand and on being the best person I can be, which isn't necessarily bad but sometimes being a good person is focusing on others and not yourself. Actually, most times. I need to be more sensitive to my mothers needs and to a few of my friends. I want to spend more time making other people's days better. I don't think I have cooked a big meal for a friend in a while.
Ok wow. The craziest thing just happened. As I was lamenting about not having the opportunity to take care of someone or to feel for someone else my aunt called me to let me know that my cousins dog died. My cousin I am sure took it really hard and my aunt was distraught as well. I babysat that dog a few times and I really liked him. I am not glad the dogdied but I am glad it is giving me someone to pray for and to think about. Anyway, I should probably go clean the bathroom like I said I was going to. Until next time.
"I wanna be sedated"