Changes

So, this is going to be an interesting change in my blogging. I will now have things to write that I might be shy about writing, I might be tempted to edit and filter information in this blog and I will have to be more careful about what I decided to journal about and what is bloggable. I am kind of glad about this because I think that in some ways it will force me once again to write about more interesting material than previous. My life has changed quite a bit over this last weekend. I moved to my new apartment, got laid off from my job, B went back to school, and I was confronted by two close friends within the last week (one of them as recently as Sunday night) about lies I had told/deceptions I let occur. In spite of these things or maybe because of them, I feel strangely numb. I feel nothing inside of me good or bad. I think it is my souls defense with too many things happening to me at once. I will likely explode at some point or another but apparently not soon. The thing worrying me most is the money situation. It is so interesting how much of me is tied with my ability to make money. I know I blogged on this before but I am going to go back to it just a little bit. As soon as I lost my job, I began to feel like I had no purpose, that I was a meaningless helpless little speck in this big space, more of a hindrance than anything else. I wonder if people in every country of the world feel this way, or if it is just America. I wonder if women tend to feel this way as well as men or if I have especially strong ties to independence for a girl my age. The odd thing is, even though I am mentally aware of those feelings of worthlessness, I don't yet really feel them. That numbness I feel has taken over and I found myself more than once in the last two days just wandering around my room and laying on my bed listening to the silence. I hope that I find a job soon.
B left this weekend, and I won't pretend like it didn't happen on this blog. I need to finish out the chapter on him so to speak and since I have blogged about him so much I feel an obligation of sorts to give my thousands of readers some sort of ending. I am very proud of how both B and I handled the situation of him leaving. It didn't get dramatic (although it came threateningly close early on Saturday night) and I think we both kept a good perspective on what was really happening. I allowed myself to feel strongly yet I didn't feel desperate or helpless. I felt very much in power of my own situation which was awesome. No matter what happens now with him, we ended the "summer thing" on a great note. If he becomes more than just a summer thing, that will be a different chapter, but we closed chapter two of our friendship out so nicely I almost feel like I deserve a pint of iced cream for it. However, that numb feeling that I have been having is scaring me a little bit. I mean, in my head I feel like it would be right for me to really miss him, to need him with me. Maybe its just that we usually spend a few days apart between seeing each other but I am a bit afraid that it hasn't sunk in yet that he is gone. Either it hasn't sunk in, and it will soon (which is scary) or it sunk in completely and I accepted it with such a finality that I am scaring myself about why I so passively accepted it and have these numb feelings. I believe, like I mentioned previously that I most likely that I just had way to much happen to me this last weekend and my mind and heart are just shutting down to prevent overload, at least I hope that that is what is happening. In fact, even in writing this, I am starting to feel less numb. It's the first time that I have gotten these thoughts out of me and it feels good.
On a different note, I have a new idea for a book. I got it when I was high the other night, and I got the proper approval on its validity from a friend so as not to break my blogger code of ethics. I was previously working on my invisibility idea book but after all the introductions and all the characters I realized that I had absolutely no plot. This new book sounded like a completely original idea at the time that I was high but after examining it further I realize now that it somewhat parallels my life, which is disappointing but at the same time, to be expected. It is going to involve four characters, three men (probably) and one girl who is the main character. It is going to be a murder mystery, with each of the men being close people in her life. At the beginning of the book she will be dead and each chapter will be told as a first person account of their relations to her with intertwining chapters from her journal. It isn't really going to be a love story but rather an account from different perspectives and misunderstandings that grew too large and ended in death. So yea, that is my idea I guess. I'm sure its been done before but I still want to try it. I am also working on a new song which I am going to post up here as soon as I am done. I am also working on chapter two of Hebrews so that will be coming soon. Ok, I think that's it for now. Time to figure out job stuff.