Someday

I was doing the dishes just now, and of course as usual my mind was off somewhere else, thinking of the vast possibilities of human nature and many many deep philosophical ideas. Actually that isn't possible because that would mean I was somewhat smart or something and mostly I am just a Curious George monkey. But I was contemplating my life in some way and I started to think about what my life would be like when I have children. I have always assumed that I would be incapable of claiming the traditional stay at home mother role and that assumption was reinforced today. I just have a really difficult time making home my work. I have great respect for stay at home mothers. They work really hard and after their kids graduate from High School and move out of the house I believe they have every right to lay in bed and never move for the rest of their lives if they wish. I believe that the role of mother is more stressful, time consuming and hard work than almost any other job, except possibly king crab fishing in Alaska. So, my aversion to the traditional role of mother isn't stemming from some sexist thinking that the role itself is not to be respected, it comes from somewhere else. I don't think I could ever work from home either. To me, the act of going to work and coming home from work provides a distinct and important separation that I noticed and appreciated as soon as I got my first real job at Caribou coffee my junior year of high school. That is what has always pissed me off about school. School and home blend together so often with that dreaded word, homework. I remember walking out to my car for the first month or so after my new job and every night thinking I must have forgotten something, there must be something I need to grab or do before I leave. I just couldn't get over the fact that when I left my job my job was actually over. It was incredible and I still appreciate the feeling when I come back from a catering event or something similar. That feeling would never happen if I was a full time stay at home mother. Sure there would be breaks. I could go out to dinner or go on a retreat or just throw in the towel and walk out of the house for a while (I am guessing I will still do that). But there would never be that seperate feeling. I would never know when to quit, when to stop "working." I think that a lot of men who don't spend much time at home can't really comprehend the stress that can come from feeling like you have an endless amount of tasks that not only will never be accomplished, but it is your job to accomplish them and you never feel allowed to quit. I can't really even fully understand it, but doing dishes today, thinking on back over the last months of my unemployment, I saw quite clearly the depression that comes from a lack of separation in my life. I even noticed in high school, the busier I was, the more productive I was in keeping my room clean, fixing things at home, doing my homework and working. I think that if I was a full time mother the pressure would eventually build to me not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Kids are obviously wonderful, they are a blessing and they would keep the monotony out of my day which is why I don't want a full time job either. I would love to be a mother and have a 20 hour a week job. I think that would be perfect. I believe kids need to grow up having day care sometimes, or staying with relatives. I want them to feel supported and loved by me but I think its important for kids to know that they are not the center of the universe and that everybody needs a little something that is their own in their lives. Even if that something is the sanctuary of work. It is also important because I think it increases the quality of the time spent with your kids when you do get that separation. It allows you to be at your best and to spend as much time as possible putting all your energy into what they are doing and thinking, rather than half assing it so that you can save energy for yourself. I can't wait to have children (adopted of course). I want to see their smiling faces and hear their absolutely terribly long stories. I want to find our time together to be special and I want them to know that I will always be there for them. I feel like, with my personality the only way to do that would be to have a job. That may change in the future but if my home was my work I would most likely blow it up.