Can't a girl get some sleep around here?

I don't feel like going to sleep. Haven't since 1:00 when I started thinking about it. So what have I been doing? Trying to look at porn. Well, for a bit. Then I quit because porn is...ummmm...gay? That might not be the word. I have always been mildly interested in porn but it seems like so much work to find it and like I have stated in previous posts, I don't really masturbate so it doesn't serve any real purpose. It's just something that I have always been curious about. Having so many guy friends, it has been around me for a long time. The problem is, not only is it kind of difficult to find (free stuff) but it fucking spams my computer hard and I am not good with getting rid of that type of thing. So I decided after about 5 minutes of looking at some sights so lovingly provided to me by a friend of mine, that I am not really interested in checking any more out. It was pretty offensive too, not the porn but the stuff that people wrote about the girls they were fucking. Not so much offensive to me, just hard to read. Its really hard to know that there are people out there who care so little about other people. And then, good upstanding citizens, men that I know and are friends with who I would consider to be respectful, find entertainment out of it. I am not really judging them. Hell, I think porn is pretty hot and I am sure guys think its hotter. It just makes me sad that it even exists and that we prescribe to it in the first place. Including myself.

I went to B's this weekend. There were a few really great moments, specifically the part where we met this fucking awesome guy who was fishing while we smoked a J. Then this part where we were climbing around on the bluffs and B jumped (fell) 65 feet (20 feet) to a near death (he was fine). My heart stopped in my throat and in one second I think I valued him more than I have yet. Its funny how something that small can terrify you. I mean, at the worst he would have broke an ankle or something. I was so sure he was going to die as he fell through the air. The odd part was he fell doing something I was going to do but then while he was taunting me for being scared I told him he should do it instead if he was going to make fun of me. Part of me is a little jealous. I have jumped/fell from things that were high up only twice but both times I felt extremely alive and the adrenaline rush is priceless.

My dads birthday is coming up and I have no idea what to get him. Probably something cheap because the money I will be spending on him is pretty much his anyway but still, it is the thought that counts. I take buying presents seriously. It is very important to me that I get something that I believe the person will actually like. It is a huge pet peeve of mine when I recieve or I see someone else receive an item that the other person clearly knows they will not like or just wants them to have. The example I gave B was the clothes my sister and mother buy for my father. Dress clothes. Trust me, he doesn't want them. However, another example came to mind. I love cologne on guys but I have never dated a guy who consistently wears it. B may be the closest and he doesn't all that often. Him wearing it is a sort of more recent thing. So, I would never buy a boyfriend cologne. I would almost prefer that a boyfriend buy himself cologne as a birthday present to me. If the guy I was dating really loved cologne, and had a few favorite kinds or similar tastes to me, then I might. But at this point, buying cologne for a boyfriend would be more of a gift to myself than anything. Anyway, I want my gift to my dad to be special. It is after all his 60th birthday, a respectable age for a respectable man. I love my dad so much and sometimes I don't think he really understands how much I respect him. I think what I admire the most is his steadfastness. The way he stands by things and doesn't break away. Sure he is stubborn, and sure his steadiness has been frusterating to me in the past. It is something that I strive for though, its something that I have had more of in the past and I don't particular do well currently.

Top 5 characteristics I would want people to associate with me someday
1. Honesty
2. Wisdom
3. Steadfastness
4. Humor
5. Empathy

This week is going to be crunch time before my big test on the 15th. I am pretty nervous because its very expensive and I really don't want to let my dad down. I feel like such a fucking failure to him, even though I know he doesn't see it that way. Hell, who am I kidding? I feel like a failure to myself. I owe it to myself to pass this test but I am actually scared that I won't. Oh well. I will just have to study really hard this week and first half of next. That is going to cut into some family time at the cabin, but I have to be ruthless about it. I am sure my mom would love to help me study. She's like me in that way. She has loved to help me study for things ever since I was a kid. We will have to see what happens. Tomorrow promises several hours at the Dunn Brothers by my house. Maybe I will migrate over to Muddsuckers later to get a delicious waffle.