Unlocked Doors and 5 Hour Bike Rides

So, I haven't been blogging that much lately. Mainly because my life is so completely boring that I have nothing really to write about but partially because I have had very few new thoughts or ideas. I did have one the other night though. So, I have this weird thing where I don't like to shut or lock doors. I often sleep with my room door open, and more often than that I don't lock my door at night. I should. I mean, I live in scary Murderapolis. But for some reason I have this internal struggle every time I lock my door at night. The whole leaving my own room door open thing, that can be explained. As a kid I was never really allowed to keep my door shut. Unless I was changing or sleeping, I had to have my door open even as a teenager. My mom associated shut doors with being antisocial and maybe as a result I have done the same. Not that it's bad to be antisocial. Its just that I live with a roommate and for the most part, I have no reason to shut the door on her. I want her to be able to come to me at any time. I think I am also a bit clausterphobic. When the door is shut I feel like I am stuck in my space. This applies particularly to when I am cleaning my room. I feel like my feet are stuck to the floor, like I can't move. I have no problem with shut doors at other people's houses. It's just this very odd thing. Locked doors....thats a different story. My parents always locked our doors at night so the habit can't be steeped in my childhood. I think I have this weird idea that if someone really needed to get into our house they should be able to. Like, there have been nights where I have been walking alone in my town and picked out houses that looked like I could run to if I were being chased. I would look for friendly looking living rooms and houses with lights on. I think that deep down inside I don't like to lock doors because it makes it impossible for someone who desperately needs help to get inside. Case in point. At our apartment last year, we lived on the third floor. Our neighbors were boyfriend and girlfriend that were living together. Well they started fighting a lot, and one night the boy didn't come home. The girl had resigned herself to sleeping outside on the floor, but then she decided to see if we were home. She knocked but no one came to the door so she tried the handle and it was open. She then came into our room and asked my roommate if she could sleep on our couch. So she spent the night there. In my screwed up head that little hospitality is worth risking being raped in the middle of the night. Sometimes I do lock our door. But every time I do it, I have this little internal battle. I want to help people and its odd that I am so sure that not locking my door is the way to do it. The chances are so low yet for some reason its hard to believe my good sense...

Moving on. I wrote another song the other day. Of course it sounds suspiciously like the Wilco song, I am trying to break your heart. Other than that little problem, I like it. I will post a copy here. I wrote it for the boy I like. I don't know how well he liked it because the lyrics really only fit that Wilco song which is annoying. But, I think its good and I am happy i finally finished it. It needs hardcore tweaking but here is the first draft I guess.

I fell asleep with my fingers on the keyboard
trying to find a song to make me think of you
In my daze i searched for words like"pretty"
pretty witty now in late morning blue
There weren't letters to describe my emotion
Couldn't find them in American alphabet
D-A-H is the best that i came up with
Coincidentally the last thing that i said

Before I slept
Before I dreamt of
White light
and white noise
and white boys
who looked like you
but weren't true
just smoke in the heat
of the fire in the room


You captivate me to the very last detail
You hold my gaze in the shadows of your face
And when you blink I see your lashes falling
These quick short pictures as they fall into place
My eyes are stuck, they're glued
addicted to the motions
my head is drumming, humming hip hop melodies
you wouldn't know them, they're not from Minnesota
where we lay naked in this warm summers breeze

And as we slept
I dreamt of
long nights
and short fights
and bright lights
surrounding our space
but they left no trace
Just a memory of the brightness
on your waking face

The other day I called to tell you how I feel
I called to show you that my thoughts could be defined
Instead I sat, the phone lifeless in my fingers
the feelings lingered, rough and unrefined.
I want to shout I want to scream that I am lucky
Instead I write down several clever rhymes
I really hope I really pray that you find wisdom
To take this mess and start to read between the lines.

For now I'll sleep
For now I'll dream of
White light
and white noise
and white boys
who look like you
but can't be true
just smoke in the heat
of the fire in the room
only smoke in the heat
of the fire in the room


So now I have a somewhat permanent copy. I should really write it all down. I am especially happy with the whole first verse. The other verses have good parts but that is the most finished and refined.

The job search continues to go terribly. I am so sick of people being like "Don't worry L. You'll find a job soon." Unless you have a job to offer me STOP SAYING THAT. I mean. I don't mind being asked and I don't mind your sympathy. But I would rather you just be empathetic for a moment and then move on or ask me how I feel about the whole thing, than make promises and prophecies that you cannot keep. James 4:13-16 says "Look here, you people who say, 'Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a great profit.' How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog-it's here a little while, then it's gone. What you ought to say is ' If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.' Otherwise you will be boasting about your own plans and all such boasting is evil." It's not like my friends are evil or trying to say they know everything. They are just trying to help but they don't know what will happen to me. I could get shot or end up homeless or a trophy wife or go to peace corps or become the next millionaire with my cinnamon cream cheese sticky rice deep fried in pancake batter. The point is YOU DON'T KNOW. So stop trying to pretend you know I will get a job when you don't. (I do thank God so much for the gig he has given me this weekend however and I do pray for more of them)

Let's seeeeeeeee (High Fidelity) I suppose that I should state that although the Boy from the Summer chapter is closed, the Boy that I am now Dating chapter has begun. I am now officially tied down, spoken for etc. I am still working out how I feel about it. This is only the second boy I have ever dated that I felt this way about. This is the second boy where my selfish feelings seem to take backseat for once and I want to be a good person. He makes me want to be a better person. Thats a good thing. Since we became "official" I have not been nearly as nervous or frusterated or angry at him for things that I imagine in my head or slight issues that we have had. I think that is also a good thing. The only bad thing is, I still don't know if this is a good time in my life for this to be happening. I am still very attached to the idea of being free to do what I want which I will not lie, includes seeing whoever I want as well. The thing is, there just doesn't seem to me in my head to be another better than him. And it's not like that Pearl Jam song either. (Can't find a better man) I mean, he is amazing. Why would I ever want to be with someone else. I guess thats how dating is supposed to work. I guess I really should only have dated like two other people according to those feelings. I have dated so many people where I did not feel that way its kind of sad. Anyway. As it is, I am happy and kind of nervous. I mean, our whole relationship so far has been based on the excitement of not knowing whats ahead and also the known fact that we would not be together after this. Hmmmm. Time will tell maybe.

I went on a really long bike ride yesterday around the Grand Rounds in Minneapolis. It was fairly rewarding although I wished that I had brought maybe a small lock for my bike because there were three or four places that I wanted to get out and explore and I had to ride by them. It was a bit like a tease. I mean all these wooded areas with unsolved mysteries and I had to pass them by! Painful. When I got home my legs were quite wobbly. I am guessing I biked somewhere between 30 and 40 miles. Closer to 30 I am sure. I must be the slowest biker ever thought because the trip took me about 5 hours. I did stop for lunch though and it was delicious. I also never change gears on my bike so I think I bike slower than someone walking up the hills. Webber Park and Wirth Park are parks I will specifically need to go back to and explore. I want to bring B for boy if he comes back to visit me before it gets cold. It doesn't look like he will though with my rugby schedule. The only time he will be home, I will (hopefully with enough money) be in Chicago kicking some Midwest championship ass. Oh well. I am sure that there will be lots of bridges like that to cross when we get to them. Anyway, time to go watch someones stupid wedding slide show pictures all night while I cater. The food better be effing good.

Short and Sweet. The way I like it

Just a quick blog at the U kiosk before I teach my class. I am teaching sweatshop tonight which should be ok. I am kinda mad at myself because I haven't done my second Hebrews blog yet but I am blogging this to promise myself that it will happen sometime tonight or tomorrow. If I don't blog it it doesn't happen. This is a fact of life that I have discovered. In that case.....
Top 5 Things that I need to MAKE Happen now
5. Clean up my room and put my last 4 boxes away from moving
4. 2nd Hebrews blog
3. Get Tonya her val pal gift
2. Pluck my eyebrows
1. GET AN EFFING JOB

Sex (and why I am having none)

Today, on the way to the library, I rode my bike behind this guy who was probably drenched in cologne. I mean, I was a good 25 feet behind him riding and it was just coming over my body in waves. Other girls think that cologne is disgusting when it is that strong, and I am sure if I was close to him I would have agreed but when it comes down to it, him being drenched in an unfathomable amount of cologne made my bike ride awesome. He was actually a fairly unattractive guy but of course I kept feeling that strange monster in my belly that comes out when I smell mens cologne. If guys really understood the amazing things that cologne can do to women I don' t think we would have a chance. I think men don't really understand because possibly perfume doesn't smell that great to them. To me, I would prefer to wear cologne all the time if I could. In ninth grade I went through a phase where I wore Curve for men all the time and didn't care what anyone thought. I also would go to an Abercrombie store and spray their cologne on my pillowcase. A lot of my lesbian friends wear cologne and I think the only way you could get me to makeout with a girl would be if she was wearing Very Sexy cologne by Victoria Secret. This cologne is the ultimate end, what I love to smell. I think I have a fantasy about having unbelievable sex with a guy wearing that stuff. MMMMMM.
Speaking of fantasies....Last night I was on the phone with a "friend" of mine and we were talking about M-sterbation (now if my roommate read this she would have no idea what I mean:)). I claimed that I have an almost complete inability to do the deed unless my hands are doing absolutely no work. I have only successfully completed the task where there are certain hot tub jets involved. Of course he didn't believe me, claiming that I put on the facade that I don't masturbate like all girls. The thing is, I don't know a lot of girls anymore who put on that facade. What is the gain in lying about something like masturbation? I mean, it turns guys on! Every guy I know loves a girl who knows how to pleasure herself. I mean, yea they want to do it themselves but they want to know that a girl feels that sexual freedom. Yet there is still somewhat of a stigma among girls that they should not let the person they are with, or anyone for that matter know about it. I think it is possibly, one of the only "sexisms" that has been perpetrated by women and not men. The idea that a woman should masturbate and be ok with it has been accepted if not embraced by men since the nineties for sure. Yet women hold back. I think shows like Sex and the City have really helped a lot of women unwind about that issue (it may be the ONLY good thing about that show). Sadly enough however, I just can't do it. I need someone there, I need so much more than a cucumber on a drill (ahem *brian). Maybe it is just because I like to have things done to me. So, being in control just isn't my gig. I might be one of the only girls who isn't lying about masturbating. In the past it has been extremely frusterating that it isn't something I can do and it (possibly) has put undo pressure on the man of the moment. I mean, if he can't make me go then nothing can and sometimes I resent him for not being able to or not wanting to make me go. I also resent that if he doesn't want to do anything at the time, that when he feels like it and if I'm not there he can just make himself happy. There's no waiting for me, there's no week or three of desperately wanting. I wish someday that I could date a guy who would just try not masturbating for like a month. Just to make it an even playing field. I mean, I have dated guys who "accuse" me of being more sexual than them, but I mean, youd be sexual too if you didn't get it off in the shower in the morning and then on your computer at night. Maybe then the field would be more evened out. Anyway, it isn't a problem that I have to deal with very often, I can go running or eat food or smoke some pot if I really am having issues. I just think its odd that the only girl in the world who WANTS to be able to say she masturbates just cannot do it.
Onto other things. So the loose fur album is amazing. I haven't had a whole album that can describe my life at a time in a while but I have a feeling this is the one. It isn't leaving my cd player for a while thats for sure. I just love the awkward phrasing, the absolute beauty of 100% alternative music. I wish I could play alternative music on the guitar without making it sound like country. I am just so happy that I have a CD to point to this time in my life. Something to make me feel some comfort 5 years from now when my life is completely different. Of course I will most likely be homeless so I am not sure how I am going to manage to actually listen to an album. I am truly thinking of cutting my hair short. I think for the first time I might actually go for it. I want to get it straightened too so I don't have to deal with the whole puff ball thing from fifth grade. I have a picture I stole off of a hair dye box in the store freshman year saved onto my computer. Maybe when I get the internet at home I will put it up here so all of my devoted fans can vote yes or no. Probably not though. I am a lazy lazy girl.
Actually, my self control has been fairly good lately. Usually when I lose a job I lose all self control along with it. I don't want to get out of bed and I eat all the time. I spend money that I don't have and I buy things I don't need. However, I have been doing fairly well this time. I am going to the library every day to look for jobs. I made a pact that I wasn't going to go out to eat for the next three weeks and so far I have made the grade. I have been smoking unnecessary amounts of weed but other than that I am peachy. Such a team player. Wow. I wrote an extremely long email to a friend before this and now I am blah blah blahing worse than ever. I like this blog post though. C++. However, more than ever I am glad that it is a secret secret blog. Only one person I know well (maybe two) thus far has discovered it and I plan on keeping it that way. For a long time.

Cute Little Kids

Summer is completely over. The cold air has hit Minnesota quickly. I am not sure if we can expect an Indian summer or not, I hope so, one last breath of beauty before the cold is always welcome. In August, I was so excited for the cold, but now without a warm job to go to every day, spending hours in the cold library or in my chilly house, I am not quite as excited for fall as I thought. My feet have been freezing now for about three days straight. I hate my body's inability to circulate blood. I need a good bonfire and a flannel to straighten all this out. Or maybe just a job. Although it has been a pretty shitty week once again, I have some good things to look forward to as well. I am subbing a boxing class on Friday. This will only be my second time doing it so I am excited to make an impression on the students. I am also participating in a (paid) psych research study on Friday for three hours. They put this weird gel all over your head and then ask you to respond verbally to visual stimuli. I am actually pretty excited about it. I have never done a research survey before. I am also very excited about my neighbors birthday party on Sunday! At my parents house I have a three year old neighbor who invited me to her birthday party. She is so adorable and I am so excited to go and see kids be kids, with fewer worries and an excitement for life. I may also have the chance to go out of town on Saturday, to one of my favorite cities in the Midwest. Weather or not I decide to go is still up in the air. I just can't decide. I can't really give too many details now but I am sure I will over analyze it on here at some point. Anyway, short blog today.

Warning: Tedious Blog Ahead

First rugby game with the Valkyries today. We won, which was good, I only got to play B side though, which was not good, but apparently I was somewhat impressive on B side and made a favorable impression on my coach. So, mixed things happening there. After the game we had our social, hosted by the Amazons, and I got to sit in on quite a bit of team gossip. Having mostly male friends, I am not used to a lot of gossip, not that men don't do it but I do believe women are more famous for it. Wow. What an experience. I have never heard so many juicy comments in one sitting. I am pretty sure I have a piece of information on nearly everybody on the team now. I just have no idea what one would do with such information. I have been having a bit of trouble fitting into the team, but today I talked with this amazing girl, you have no idea just how amazing, and it was just so great to have someone listening to me, not trying to pry information out of me but not just sitting there and telling me everything is going to be ok. She was seriously the best thing to happen to me all week, then of course I find out that she spent eight years as a counselor. Well, I have been to counselors before and I have never seen anyone like this. This woman deserves the fucking noble peace prize. I want to bake her a giant cake. Too bad she isn't actually playing this year.

I called a friend of mine today that I have gotten out of touch with. She has moved back to the city and I have really neglected to connect with her for several reasons. I think the main one though, is that I am scared that she and I won't get along. We never really did see, we just had this high school facade of it to make it easier on both of us I think. We don't actually have anything in common, and I have nothing to say to her. For some reason though, I feel guilty living in the same city as her and doing nothing about it, especially because I have been pissing and moaning about having so few friends. Maybe a little bit of it is that I am just way pickier than I think.

Not much going on in the boy department. I went to rookie T shirt night last night at our captains house and barring the fact that it was awful and I felt so terrible when I came home, I had an excellent time chatting with their neighbor that lives below them. He was really cute and seemed genuinely interested in talking to me. I even hinted that I had nothing going on that night and he was like "oh me neither" and after the appropriate ten minute period of him standing in his doorway and letting the bugs in, I decided he wasn't going to ask me to do anything so I gracefully made my exit. I was fairly disappointed though because I definitely put myself out there, and I am pretty sure he wasn't rejecting me so much as not getting it. Hmmm. I don't know what part of me projects that I am not interested in going out on dates but apparently I have something. Maybe he just thought I was a lesbian.

Crazy music stuff happening right now. Rooney, a band I loved who put out a total of one cd something like seven years ago just came out with another album. The lead singer of wilco put something out with a band called The Loose Furs or something, there is a new Decemberists cd and a new Smashing Pumpkins album (but I heard it blows). There is one more that I can't think of right now but I will be sure to blog it later. Further on in the entertainment industry, I have decided that since we are not going to have cable this year and I have a complete inability to return rentals on time, I am going to do Netflicks. I have never done anything like this so it should be pretty interesting. I am slowly easing into the 21st century.

Well, this post was probably boring but I have an excuse. My journal is currently MIA after I hid it from a friend who is all too clever and nosy, and now I can't remember where I put it. It's been about 4 days now which is terrible timing because I have had some good ideas for songs and as you can see if you are reading this, there are things on here that BELONG IN MY JOURNAL. Oh well. Like I have said time and time again. This blog is for me, if its too fucking boring for you then stop reading it. I can't wait for the next 4 weeks to happen. Even though I am having a slightly shitty time of it. Today I could smell fall in the air, it was the perfect amount of cloudy and cool and windy and I just wanted to die happy in the woods with the smell of pine needles underneath me. Definitely considering going up to the north shore next weekend if I can afford it.

Scissors Style

The new apartment is almost completely put together which is most excellent. I have yet to unpack about five more boxes and I really hope that I find that box of black dildos because other than my jarred sauces idea, I think I will have a yard sale of everything I own and I am expecting them to fetch a high price. Most of them are slightly worn to worn but hey, I bet some people are into that. Speaking of sexual things, I am slowly realizing that I can talk about things and ask questions in my blog that I have always had but have been too nervous to ask. For instance, at rugby practice the other day, we were talking about double tackles and their uses next to the fringe on a ruck, and my friend G-net said that she always preferred to "be on top." This made everybody snicker because we are all so mature and it got me thinking. G-net, like most of my team, is a lesbian. She is quite well known for being horny at all times and going for girls much too young for her (shes like 35). But I was just thinking, how difficult it must be for lesbians to have a top and a bottom in sex. It would make so much more sense for it to be an even sort of distribution of side to side positioning. Unless one person "took care of" the other one and then visa versa. I don't know. It's probably pretty ignorant of me to say but I just don't quite have a good visual of top bottom lesbian sex (maybe a 69 position would work). Sometimes it feels odd being one of the only straight girls on the team, although the more people I get to know, I realize that there are more straight girls than I thought. This got me thinking, is this how lesbians feel all the time? Is it odd being the only gay girl in class? But I have thought for a while now and rejected this view. Yes, at times when sexual behaviors are being flaunted in public places, i.e at parties it probably feels odd to be the only gay girl, but for the most part in public I wouldn't say that other than advertising, sexual behaviors are flaunted at all (thank God). I mean, in a regular class guys dont slap me on the ass and and talk about how they can't help staring at my nipples because they are popping out of my tank top. I think I feel odd because lesbianism is such an intricate part of rugby culture, at least in the midwest. It comes into play at some point every practice. However, to be fair, since I am not in the minority I am sure that I don't notice subtle references to straight sex specifically every day, while possibly gay girls might. I am just saying that I don't feel like it is a similar situation as it would be if I were the only white girl in a class of black people. I think that would be a far more accurate "walking in another persons shoes" situation than the one that I have at practice.
On a completely different note. Sometimes, I am amazed at the differences between myself and my roommate. This morning, those differences were so stark that it was almost laughable. It began with her getting ready for school, which takes close to an hour. THis whole time I was laying in my bed relaxing reading some Vonnegut. She then came into my room and was like oh pleeeease give me a ride to class, so I proceeded to throw on some clothes, put on the socially necessary amount of deoderant, grabbed my sandals and my keys, and we hit the road. This took me approximately 7 minutes. When I came out of my room, I was wearing some clothes that I really dont like but I am forced to wear becasue I am completely out of clean casual clothes. The shirt especially looked stupid on me. She sees me and is like "oooooo I loooove that shirt. That's my favorite shirt you own!!!! Oh and I love your whole look you look just like me with your black pants and sandals!" Puke on the floor, I hope I die before I start to dress like that every day. Then in the car, I turn on the radio and its stupid Jack Johnson singing his most recent gay hit (I only like maybe 4 Jack Johnson songs) and I am about to change the station when she is like "ooooo I love Jack Johnson in the morning. He is so cheery!" So we keep it on. I am laughing in my head by now. Then lastly, she treats me to a 7 minute talk on how she hates being late for class and how she is so excited about her law class but she doesnt understand anything they debate about and how she has to read the WHOLE CONSTITUTION for next week and how cool that is. And all this time, I am just amazed that we can even function in the same space, that we get along the way we do. I am so thankful that we do, I really am. But I am consistantly late for class, I dread class debates and I usually end up saying one thing and then leaving kind of early, because if there is one sure thing about public universities, its that classroom debates which could have been good, get ruined by the three idiots in the class who can't make arguments in an orderly fashion and the one guy who keeps bringing the argument back around so it becomes this ridiculous cyclical thought and the proferssor who is just pumped that SOMEONE is interested in the topic eats it all up. Oh and then theres the middle aged lady who begins every argument with "well from myyy experience..."
So yea, speaking of class, I am definately going to sit in on one of those classes I mentioned in an earlier blog. I am going to figure out which one today. I miss learning and I miss feeling that unwarranted sense of superiority to everyone in my class (just kidding but kinda not). Thats all for now.

Changes

So, this is going to be an interesting change in my blogging. I will now have things to write that I might be shy about writing, I might be tempted to edit and filter information in this blog and I will have to be more careful about what I decided to journal about and what is bloggable. I am kind of glad about this because I think that in some ways it will force me once again to write about more interesting material than previous. My life has changed quite a bit over this last weekend. I moved to my new apartment, got laid off from my job, B went back to school, and I was confronted by two close friends within the last week (one of them as recently as Sunday night) about lies I had told/deceptions I let occur. In spite of these things or maybe because of them, I feel strangely numb. I feel nothing inside of me good or bad. I think it is my souls defense with too many things happening to me at once. I will likely explode at some point or another but apparently not soon. The thing worrying me most is the money situation. It is so interesting how much of me is tied with my ability to make money. I know I blogged on this before but I am going to go back to it just a little bit. As soon as I lost my job, I began to feel like I had no purpose, that I was a meaningless helpless little speck in this big space, more of a hindrance than anything else. I wonder if people in every country of the world feel this way, or if it is just America. I wonder if women tend to feel this way as well as men or if I have especially strong ties to independence for a girl my age. The odd thing is, even though I am mentally aware of those feelings of worthlessness, I don't yet really feel them. That numbness I feel has taken over and I found myself more than once in the last two days just wandering around my room and laying on my bed listening to the silence. I hope that I find a job soon.
B left this weekend, and I won't pretend like it didn't happen on this blog. I need to finish out the chapter on him so to speak and since I have blogged about him so much I feel an obligation of sorts to give my thousands of readers some sort of ending. I am very proud of how both B and I handled the situation of him leaving. It didn't get dramatic (although it came threateningly close early on Saturday night) and I think we both kept a good perspective on what was really happening. I allowed myself to feel strongly yet I didn't feel desperate or helpless. I felt very much in power of my own situation which was awesome. No matter what happens now with him, we ended the "summer thing" on a great note. If he becomes more than just a summer thing, that will be a different chapter, but we closed chapter two of our friendship out so nicely I almost feel like I deserve a pint of iced cream for it. However, that numb feeling that I have been having is scaring me a little bit. I mean, in my head I feel like it would be right for me to really miss him, to need him with me. Maybe its just that we usually spend a few days apart between seeing each other but I am a bit afraid that it hasn't sunk in yet that he is gone. Either it hasn't sunk in, and it will soon (which is scary) or it sunk in completely and I accepted it with such a finality that I am scaring myself about why I so passively accepted it and have these numb feelings. I believe, like I mentioned previously that I most likely that I just had way to much happen to me this last weekend and my mind and heart are just shutting down to prevent overload, at least I hope that that is what is happening. In fact, even in writing this, I am starting to feel less numb. It's the first time that I have gotten these thoughts out of me and it feels good.
On a different note, I have a new idea for a book. I got it when I was high the other night, and I got the proper approval on its validity from a friend so as not to break my blogger code of ethics. I was previously working on my invisibility idea book but after all the introductions and all the characters I realized that I had absolutely no plot. This new book sounded like a completely original idea at the time that I was high but after examining it further I realize now that it somewhat parallels my life, which is disappointing but at the same time, to be expected. It is going to involve four characters, three men (probably) and one girl who is the main character. It is going to be a murder mystery, with each of the men being close people in her life. At the beginning of the book she will be dead and each chapter will be told as a first person account of their relations to her with intertwining chapters from her journal. It isn't really going to be a love story but rather an account from different perspectives and misunderstandings that grew too large and ended in death. So yea, that is my idea I guess. I'm sure its been done before but I still want to try it. I am also working on a new song which I am going to post up here as soon as I am done. I am also working on chapter two of Hebrews so that will be coming soon. Ok, I think that's it for now. Time to figure out job stuff.