Hot Nature Time

Yesterday I went to the Interstate State Park in Taylors Falls. It was pretty fun, a gorgeous park although it was nothing compared to the North Shore. When I decided to go hiking, I was originally going to go alone but I changed my mind at the last second. B for Bologna and I have been spending quite a bit of time indoors on my couch specifically. Making out. Specifically. So, I decided to invite him to go with me. When we got to the park, what I had in mind was kind of an aimless quiet walk that would allow me to contempate and collect my thoughts and stare out at breathtaking views. I brought B along because I was thinking that we could enjoy this together yet still remain seperate in our thoughts somehow. I was quickly forced to rethink myself. B started talking and chatting almost immediately and at first I was able to carry on conversation with him and still maintain my inner quiet thoughts and communion with nature. However, as we continued walking I realized that this particular hike was not going to be the way I thought it was. Normally, at this point, when in a nature setting, I would begin to get annoyed that I had brought someone with me. Nature is very private to me and it is difficult to let anyone into my experience with it in the first place. So, I often become frusterated if I am not allowed to have my way specifically when I get the few and far between chance to walk in the woods. But this time something interesting happened. I actually allowed myself to get out of my personal bubble and I started to enjoy being outside and in the woods as a compliment to me and B's time together. Instead of seeing him as a part of my experience, I saw our situation as part of our experience together. Then I started to have a really good time. Sure, I didn't pay nearly as much attention to my surroundings as I would have if I had been with someone else or alone, but it didn't matter anymore. I let myself go and enjoyed what was happening and had a completely new experience. There has only been one other time that I have been faced with this situation and that was in Venice, Italy. Let's just say that Josh and I failed that one miserably, or maybe just me. I failed to adapt my experience and he failed to be sensitive to what I wanted and we basically clusterfucked everything into a big mess of mixed emotion.
Yesterday I had such a great time and I really appreciated the fact that B was such a trooper about things. I am aware that he is different than me and I appreciate that we balance eachother out so well. At this point, I am getting a little nervous because although I know that he is going away, I am starting to come to a point where I can't see myself without him. I mean, I know that very soon it is going to happen. There will be the first hour alone and I will not even notice that he is gone maybe, but what about that first day when I want to go rollerblading with someone, or I want to smoke a bowl and then go run around outside or I want the best sex I have had in a while? I am nervous for those moments. I accept them and can see ahead that there will be a lot of weakness in me but they just seem so impossible at this moment. I hope I make some more friends this year, maybe get back togeter (so to speak) with Cody and Dane and Sully. I have faith that something good will happen and that God works for the good of those who love him. It is just really hard to keep an eternal perspective at times when things seem so uncertain.
On with the rest of it all....so after we got home, B was going to leave to go work but instead we hung out at my house and yada yada and I really appreciated it. It was the perfect end to a day and when I went to sleep my body was so exausted, it was perfect. Everything was perfect and I was so happy. I havent gone to bed that physically satisfied in a long time. My body was tired and my mind was blank. I got to snuggle up and pass out with my kitty. That feeling was maybe the most memorable of the whole day.

Martha Daines

This post is dedicated to the most wonderful woman alive. She is the epitamy of woman, what I admire and respect, how I want to be, the way I want to conduct myself in public. I am sure there are a few ways in which we seperate, most of our differences being generational, but this woman is the one woman I have ever really looked up to. When I was pretty young there was a woman at my church that I admired but I never really wanted to be like her. I just thought she was pretty and had a good singing voice. But this woman, she is like a goddess. First of all, she is one of the most beautiful older women I have ever seen. For a white woman she has aged extremely gracefully. She is in magnificent shape, way better than my own and she has her hair cut into the cutest bob ever. She also has these grey blue eyes that look at you like she can see into your soul.
Second of all, she is by far one of the smartest people I have ever met. She isn't in your face about it either. She has some degree in like geology or something but she teaches courses at stout in technology and transportation systems. She lives on her own little farm thing and just last year decided that she was going to start making her own honey. So she is now a professor, a rugby coach (one of the most respected in the country) and bee keeper. She really lives out her ideals as she is involved in organic farming and lives (arguably) communally within her community.
Thirdly, Martha never loses her head or her cool. She has been my coach now for four years. I have never seen her yell or lose focus. She has gotten mad at our team possibly twice and it was not for screwing up but for not keeping focused on practice. Martha doesn't really get mad though, Martha gets "dissapointed" which is far worse. I would rather endure a thousands screaming matches with my mother than have Martha dissapointed in me.
Fourthly, Martha doesn't act like she is above you. She isn't condescending although sometimes you feel like she is talking down to you. The difference is like if God were talking down to you. You deserve it. He is above you. This is how I feel about Martha. She doesn't assume that she knows more than you, she just does. Hence, I feel a bit of terror asking her questions, but the funny part of it is that Martha is actually shy. She's a bit socially akward when you really get to know her and I love it because it shows her humanity and how she constantly has to overcome this in coaching situations.
Lastly, Martha is amazing at everything she does. She decides exactly what she is going to do and she does it. She does not fail. When she does fail at things she just does them again and again until she can do them perfectly. I think the key to Martha's success is that she is not afraid to fail and thus she rarely does. She breaks things down to managable pods and just works and works and learns and then bestows her amazing knowledge on people like me. She is one of the best rugby players I have ever seen and definately the best coach I have ever had. I want to have that sheer determination that governs Martha's life. She has such a strict schedule yet she is well balanced. She knows her priorities yet she makes room for change. In Martha I see the way women are meant to be. Strong, wise, smart, capable, aware of their limitations yet always pushing past them. Her presence inspires me. When I am around her I want to copy her every action. She is a fucking machine, a gorgeous monstrous smart robot computer.
I think that the only fictional character that I have ever thought of that reminds me of Martha is Dumbledore from Harry Potter. Possibly Aaragon from Lord of The Rings. As soon as I figure out how to post photos, I am going to put one off the U of M website up here. Peace.

The last man standing (without a cell phone who is actually a woman)

So, I don't own a cell phone. Thus far in my life I have been pretty happy with that decision but I think the time is coming very soon where I will need to purchase one. It's not that I believe that it is necessary in this day and age to survive, and I will most likely end up leaving it at home most of the time (hopefully) but there are certain times like tonight where I wish I had one. I have to just sit here waiting and waiting for my plans to come through when I could just go to a friends house or make other plans if I want. Phones ringing. I kinda don't want to pick it up. Yea, it wasn't them. Anyway, its not like they even would notice that there was a problem. Everyone is so used to everyone else having a cell phone that they don't really bother to follow through on plans. They don't realize that they thwart my plans if they are two hours later or more in calling than they said they would be. The same thing happens when people give me directions to their house. They give the worst directions because in their mind even though they conciously know that I don't have a cell phone they forget and I end up getting lost because they are so vague. So yea, here I am watching T.V. I should be using this time productively but instead I am pouting because I was pretty excited for tonight and now I doubt it will even happen. Maybe I will watch a little more T.V and then smoke a bowl like a good stoner should.
Today at work, a guy gave me a thirty dollar tip on a thirty dollar bill. It was absolutely phenomenal. What a baller! He was either a baller or a drug dealer. Either way, I am really happy and that money today was badly needed. If this trend would continue I would be able to pay my bills and whatnot. What a thought. Turns out that was the best part of my day.

The rest of my life

Since I am posting about Hebrews currently I will have to make two posts in one day occassionally. Today I went out to lunch with my dad. It was funny because there were obviously things he wanted to say to me and he had a hard time getting to them. I honestly think that he only got to about two of the things he wanted to talk about with me. We talked about budgeting for my life because at this point I am starting to have to pay my own health insurance and my own car insurance (soon) and my student loans. This is going to be insane because of the debt I am in and I am constantly repressing the temptation to get a credit card. That time is almost here but until I have a steady income I just don't think I should. I have been pretty frusterated with my parents lately. There hasn't been anything specific, I can just tell that they are disapproving of my life, of pretty much everything in it right now and I am trying so hard to do things that they would approve of and I am constantly trying to prove to them in conversation that I have everything under control. The problem is, I don't. I still havent paid some bills I need to pay, I am not making nearly enough money at my new job to account for three months of being unemployed, I don't dress nice enough or say the right things. They want to pay for things but then when they do they use that against me to prove that I am irresponsible with my money. I know they are just trying to do whats best for me but I am so sick of trying to prove myself to them.

I am still thinking of becoming an egg donor. 7000 dollars and up would do wonders for my financial situation. I could pay off my debt with that. The process of it is really painful though, and I am pretty sure theres like two months where you can't have sex. Not that that is really important and maybe these next two months would be perfect for a break considering that the person I want to have sex with won't be around to have sex with. I would really only want to be able to make one kid though. I think after that I would be morally opposed to it. I mean, technically I could make two kids but what if I decide that I want to have one child of my own, specifically if my husband decides to buy me a pony if I will birth him a baby. I don't want to make any more than two kids, one for me one for my husband, and I think that goes for other families too, so I wouldn't want to make a total of three. Plus there is this certain feeling of becoming some sort of weird baby breeding machine that I bet I would get if I donated more than one set of eggs.

Lets see.....we are moving now in something like two weeks, I think moving is going to be a little traumatic being that I will undoubtedly need to communicate with Sarah and Anita, my old roomates at some point. That will be interesting. I also have a feeling that Bangandala and I will have a few squabbles over cleaning as I will undoubtedly be doing most of it and she will leave it off until the day before and then run around the apartment panicing and yelling StEEEWWIe in her little high pitched voice that she get stressed. Not to mention that my crazy packing and moving in and all the emotional stress I tend to feel from that is going to coincide with B for Best going back to his school. I can't wait to see my reaction to that. I wish that could be seperated by a few days or something but alas, time tends to get all smashed up when important things are happening. Hopefully that all goes well. Luckily my brother in law is letting me use him for his connections and it looks like we will be able to use a trailer for free instead of having to rent a truck! That is awesome and an answer to prayer.

Speaking of prayer, I have been really convicted lately that my prayers have not been very powerful. I am not saying that the quality has been bad, but I really am not asking with boldness for the things that I desire. I am sticking to the safe little "Dear Jesus help me not to die today," prayers that are not examples of coming before God's throne with a humble yet expectant heart. I guess I just don't want GOd to let me down. I need to remember that God will give me good gifts if I ask for them.

Last night I saw the movie Superbad. It was pretty funny but the fat kid was really annoying and kind of detracted from the movie. Michael Cera who is George Michael from arrested development was surprisingly funny and well enough removed from his George Michael character that I could watch the movie in peace. He reminded me of what George Michael would be like if his family wasn't around. All in all, I was impressed that a fairly funny high school movie has finally been made.
Last but not least, I would like to state that B came to my parents house the other night and ate food with us. I was really nervous, it was so cliche having him there, it was so different than anyone else has been there for a long time, it felt like seperate worlds were colliding into eachother. I am still working on how I feel about it. I felt like the two parts of me who know the least about the other parts were meeting and pooling information. To see the only boy that I have actually cared what my parents thought of at my house, sitting at the table was incredibly weird. Still working on it in my head.

Hebrews Chapter 1 and part of 2

So, Hebrews Chapter One.

I think one of the most important things to remember about the book of Hebrews is that its author is unkown. In fact, nobody is really sure of which group of Jews this person was writing to, all that is known is that the Jews are falling under heavy persecution. Many people are inclined to think that the writer is Luke because of the style of writing but other options include Paul, Priscilla, Barnabas, Phillip and many others. It is likely that the book is written before the destruction of the temple because religious sacrifices and whatnot are reffered to rather than what to do post temple destruction. One of the earliest comments on Hebrews dating to about 100 AD, reflects that the writer was most likely Luke and that the people were most likely under persecution from the Roman government.

So the thing with chapter one, is after reading it for a while, I have decided that I would really like to focus on all of chapter one and chapter two through verse 9. There are many questions produced by reading chapter one that I believe are answered in chapter two. So, Focusing on chapter one for a minute, there are two major points to chapter one that the author seems to be trying to make.

1. Jesus Christ is God's son

2. Jesus Christ is greater than the angels

These points may seem pretty obvious when you are reading the chapter. And indeed they are obvious. So my main questions are

1. Why did the author feel it necessary to prove that Jesus was Gods son?

2. What was the whole deal with the angels thing? I mean, obviously Jesus is greater than the angels, thats not really the point, so what is the point that the author is trying to make here besides the attempt to validate Jesus's position and his place of authority besided God?

Tackling the first set of observation/question, the first part of Chapter one verses 1-3 are a clarification of how Jesus came to be and his relationship to God. Through these verses it is explained that Jesus is the exact reflection of God and that his place is at the right hand of God. It is inferred that he is the last person that God is going to speak directly to mankind through, not calling him a prophet (as muslims do) but calling him the Son and saying that long ago the Jews were spoken to through prophets but now in the final days (which I see as an inference that post Jesus we have reached the last leg of the journey of mankind) we have Jesus who is then proved in the following verses to be clearly superior to a prophet. THats why it is important to keep in mind who is being written to here. It is clearly less than 100 years since Jesus's death so the Christians are fairly new and still mostly claim to be Jewish. They are undergoing heavy persecution and are probably looking for a way out. Possibly a prophet or someone of note to guide them. The writer here is assuring these people that having Jesus as their most recent and final connection to God is a gooood thing, that he is powerful, more powerful even than angels which brings me to statement/question 2.

So the rest of Chapter one is basically just the author sitting there giving examples of why Jesus kicks ass and why hes way better than the angels. I think the most important points to ut take from this are the actual question "ok, why is this so important? Are these people thinking of worshipping angels or something?" and also the reasons he gives for Jesus being greater than the angels. Every reason he gives is a verse from the Old testament that quotes God. There are not many references in the old testament to Jesus's future coming but there are a few. Verse 5b is an example of this but The intersting thing here is that the author chooses to underline Jesus's role in the creation of mankind in verse 10 which supports verse 3. He also makes it clear taht when David is worshipping God in the Psalms he is also worshipping Jesus as the two are inseperable as father/son. So coming to the end of Chapter one we see this, "But the angelse are only servents. They are spirits sent from God to care for those who will recieve salvation." Thats not much of an end to a chapter. I mean, he spends the whole time, very painstakingly finding examples from the old testament to prove the awesome worthiness of God and then hes like oh yea so ummmm angels justare not nearly as cool....?!?!?!?! No. THeres got to be some reason for his comparisons. Thus bringing us to chapter two. You can tell by the very first word in chapter two that its meant to be related to chapter one. So........... Anytime I see a "so" or a "therefore" or a "however" I kind of shake my head and wonder why the bible making elves decided to put a chapter there. I am sure they ahve excellent reasons, however......

Yea so, the very next sentance the author decides to get to his point. He says "So we must listen very carefully to the truth we have heard or we may drift away from it." This still doesnt explain the angels part but he is clearly worried about the truth of the message of Jesus being forgotten. He then goes on to explain why he went to all this trouble to talk about angels in verses 2-4. He is arguing that angels messages always proved true to their word and that every violation of the law was punishable. How much more important is the message of salvation through Jesus? Apparently very important. The fact that it was

a. passed on through Jesus (God) himself and not a prophet

b. That it is the message of salvation and not just a prophecy

c. That it was verifyed by signs and wonders etc.

These three facts would have specific relevance to the Jewish people who were looking for an earthly savior to rescue them from persecution. I think that if I had been looking for some earthly king and I got Jesus instead, when I was facing persecution I would be a little prone to wander from the faith. It would seem like such a distant salvation and I might be prone to question its validity. Where is my rescuer and how can he prove himself to me? I would be inclined to remember the great prophecies of Isaiah and the miracles that were taught in the Torah about Moses leading the people out of egypt. I would want shining angels and smoke and mirrors and all the fancy shit that comes with old testament faith. I think that together the first and second chapter (which I will go a little further into in the next hebrews post) are a defense of the miracle and salvation of Jesus coming to die for us. They are meant to remind the people that this is the greatest message ever told and that all the other messages of the scripture are meant to POINT to this message, that this message is not meant to be overshadowed.

Hebrews

So, again I am breaking my "no two blogs in one day" rule because I am considering it the next day, since I slept between them:)
Last night, during some excellent conversation with B for boy he was kind enough to ask me what my favorite books of the bible were. This was kind because he isn't a Christian and because when it comes to Jesus, I can be long winded. What can I say? He fucking died in my place, if you believed this maybe you would be long winded about him too. Man, Jesus, what a good guy. He was so controversial, he changed the course of history. Even if you don't believe that he came to the earth to die for the sins of humanity in the embarressing form of human, you still have to respect many of his teachings if you have ever read any of the gospels. Anyway, I went off about how much I loved different books for different reasons, but one book I brought up, Hebrews, I realized I really havent delved into in a long time. That made me start thinking about how difficult it is for me to really get into the bible sometimes and how blogs kind of keep me accountable to myself, so I have og decided to do short (hopefully) study of hebrews on my blog. I will still post about other things when necessary but I would really like to focus on this revoloutionary book. I think that these verses kind of summarize what I would like to understand and feel deeper through this study.
Hebrews 4: 10-16 NLT
For all who enter into God's rest will find rest from their labors, just as God rested after creating the world. Let us do our best to enter that place of rest. For anyone who disobeys God, as the peoploe of Israel did, will fall. For the word of GOd is full of living power. It is sharper than the sharpest knife, cutting deep into our innermost thoughts and desires. It exposes us for what we really are. Nothing in all creation can hide from him. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes. This is the God to whom we must explain all that we have done. That is why we have a great Hight Preist who has gone to heaven, Jesus the Son of GOd. Let us cling to him and never stop trusting him. This High Priest understands our weaknesses, for he has faced all of the same tempations we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will recieve his mercy and we will find grace to help us when we need it.


That is what I want from this study. I want to...
1. Understand better the power of the word of God
2. Understand the sacrifices of Christ more fully
3. Learn to trust in his perfection more. Learn to trust his power in my weakness.


Ok, well, we will see how this goes.

Good Music, Good Company

My friend Travis's band played at 1st ave. tonight. It was pretty rockin. His bands name is Night in The Box, so whoever you are, you should definately go and listen to some of it. I hope they bring back American spirituals and folk music one fan at a time. There just isn't much that can replace seeing a person you admire and whose future you care about living out their dream. I wish there could be just one day where everyone in America got to live out their dream. Well, not the creepos who like to rape children. Regular rapes just fine though....
My dream? SO MANY. To be a hermit living in the woods, to be a personal trainer, to own my own horse ranch, to play professional rugby....you pick it I have probably wanted to do it at some point. But seeing his face up there on that stage, man I was just so proud. I can't imagine how proud his mother is. Since the show was downtown, the Boy i went with and myself took a small walk around the block a few times. I haven't been downtown in forever and it felt really good to go. I should really get back down there at some point soon.
Home time was interesting to say the least. I got to watch some of the best show ever (Arrested
Development in case you have ANY question in your mind) for a couple of episodes but then I was rudely distracted by someone who wanted to know me biblically. I thought since we had just been glancing over the bible earlier maybe it was appropriate. Let me just say that a few things happened, and I had maybe the best three minutes of my career. Ok, maybe not three and maybe not the best. But immeasurable. Unforgettable. Inignorable (unignorable???? Non ignorable????) Now its time for bed. Usually after this person leaves I can't sleep right away. I am kind of antsy, usually thinking over the semantics of conversation, how the night went, where the hell we are going next....not so tonight. His smell is on me and I feel content with the world. Perfectly content. I am ready for tomorrow. Goodnight.

Dumb, Ugly and Uncreative

Two Poems I would like to share with the world

Should Have Been the Blues

Hey there silly young man
Listen to me silly young man
That black bird youre trying to catch
will fight till she can't stand.
So where is the fear on your face?
Oh WHERE is the fear on your face?!
If you think for a moment theres nothing to fear
she'll give you some fear to taste.
Those big dark wings will spread
Oh those blackened wings will spread
And with all your body and your soul
You'll know what it means to dread.
So throw up your helpless hands
I said, lemme see those helpless hands
And if she sinks those tearing talons in
Run while you still can.




That poem is dedicated to my ex boyfriend Josh who had a dream that he was fighting in a video game and when he came to the end, the final monster he had to fight was a giant goose. He knew he was dreaming, and instead of choosing to fight the goose he chose to wake up because he was too afraid.


The Big City Swallows


The Big City Swallows
Her heat with pavements feet
spitter spatter, pitter patter
warm rain on busy streets.

The Big City Swallows
sin in bundles neat
hidden or forbidden
in smaller quaint retreats.

The Big City Swallows
Changes, small, discreet
Till every bum looks lonely (till every lady's lovely)
and every shop looks sweet.

The Big City Swallows
flesh and blood and meat
the souls in fancy suits
mere mortals at its teat

The Big City Swallows
Me, whole into its beat
Throbbing, waving, growing, aching
Till its grasp is near complete.



That one is dedicated to Minneapolis.


Anyway, I haven't really written anything I love in a while. Big City Swallows is definately my
favorite that i have written in something like six months. Maybe I should go back to the magnetic poetry. Those were pretty laughable. I do hope someone reads these and enjoys them though. I want to make poetry that has rhythm and feeling and evokes images. I think those are the most important aspects of poetry to me. I get pissed at myself because so often I just write about relations, which is probably why I like BCS so much. I don't know, I guess something needs to happen for me to be able to write. I am hanging out with my friend Em tonight. Should be fun, we will probably do the bar run and I will end up getting drunk and pretending to be a russian dance major. In fact, I plan on it. There should be some good dancing involved. Hopefully including a muskrat hat.

I
I do
I do this
I do this to
I do this to take
I do this to take up
I do this to take up space
I do this to take up space so
I do this to take up space so that
I do this to take up space so that B
I do this to take up space so that B has
I do this to take up space so that B has the
I do this to take up space so that B has the option
I do this to take up space so that B has the option of
I do this to take up space so that B has the option of not
I do this to take up space so that B has the option of not reading
I do this to take up space so that B has the option of not reading my
I do this to take up space so that B has the option of not reading my last
I do this to take up space so that B has the option of not reading my last blog
I do this to take up space so that B has the option of not reading my last blog post.


This post is dedicated to High School year books.
HAGS!!!!!LOL

Supplies

Do you ever get that feeling in your stomach like you are going to explode? Sometimes you are so mad you are going to explode, sometimes so happy, sometimes so nervous. Today I had that feeling but I can barely explain why. I came home from work and I thought I saw my roomates car outside and when I came inside it was the BOY. Suddenly I felt like I was going to completely explode with I dunno, happiness, surprise, extreme turned-on-ness, more surprise. He stopped by to say hi after work cuz he was in my area. It was so rockin. Completely unexpected. Nobody really surprises me well ever, I usually figure things out if there are planned surprises and no one usually surprises me with something unplanned. I wasn't even able to express to him how happy he made me. I feel bad though because he totally stayed too long and probably got a ticket on his car. But yea, so then when he was leaving I had this weird physical breakdown thing. I felt rooted to where I was standing. I didn't even want to touch him because I knew that if I did I would just totally explode. So of course I just stood there and watched him leave like an idiot because I felt so strongly I couldn't express it. But the best part is that even after I was a total idiot its like he knew I wanted a second shot at saying goodbye cuz he came back and let me kiss him. All in all, it was the best thing thats happened to me all week for sure and one of the better surprises in a while. In fact, its kind of one of my first surprises in a long time. SUPPLIES!!!!!!!!

Please God, Make Me Understand

Sometimes I just don't understand the difference between people and their senses of humor. I know that personally I am kind of a humor sponge. The minor differences in people's sarcasm are noted and accomodated for when I am talking to different people. Some people like to make up imaginary drastic scenarios and kind of improve when talking to people. Other's use cynical sarcasm and still others prefer witty banter. I understand the differences between these people, but what about the people who don't understand sarcasm at all? My mother is a case in point. She is starting to understand sarcasm after all these years for really, the first time. She is amazingly proud of herself when she is able to sense that my dad and I are going off on some ridiculous tangent involving Top Gun and will say something to the effect of, "Stop that! You guys are just so silly," in her cute little Mom voice she has. But when it comes to her making jokes, she is completely unable to put sarcasm in there. When she tries it is usually unsuccessful. The other day the neighbor girls came over and looked for dolls to play with. My mom who is so sweet allowed them to pick out toys. One of the things I love about kids between the ages of 10 and 14 is the way you can see them quite literally building their abilities to use sarcsasm. One of these girls had a more developed sense of sarcasm than my mother! She could'nt use it correctly to save her life but she pretty much understood the few minor inflections I threw into my voice and even attempted to copy them during our next conversation. Or take for insance and old aquaintance of mine from church, Dan. He facebooked me the other day and right now I have this weird facebook profile up where I am pretending to be some sort of gangsta. To anyone who knows me remotely at all, I feel it should be perfectly obvious that the profile is a fake, but he sent me an honest facebook message about how he would like to get to know me but I am "a little different than he remembers me." I don't feel so condescension toward this person so much as awe and confusion about the inner workings of his mind. I know that the inability to understand sarcasm doesn't necessarily mean the inability to think or that someone is stupid, but so often they seem to go together. Are these people just really adept at thinking some way that other people are not? Asburgers (how do i spell that?) syndrome aside, I just can't understand it and it blows my mind that there are grown ups that can watch south park or seinfeld or arrested development and not understand the humor or see a humor entirely different than what I see.
That was a definate tangent. Anyway, as for my life this week, it is nice to finally have a job. It isn't nearly as difficult as the trainers made it seem and its nice to be making money although I am not making nearly as much in tips as I was hoping. Still looking for that lucky 10,000 tip..... With friends everything is going ok. My friend I have been trying to cut some ties with and I (that was a terrible sentence structure) had a good talk today and I hope will have another one tonight. He asked me why I didn't like hanging out with him anymore and I had to give some logical reasons. In the face of the person its much harder to think of good things to "complain" about. Lets see. B for boy is going pretty well. I am more pissed at myself than ever that I let myself get as involved with him as I am and I am kinda hitting my head on a brick wall every chance I get to be alone with a brick wall (which is often). Ok, maybe not and maybe I'm not sorry, I am and I am not. I am not sorry to feel amazing inside again for the first time in a while, I am sorry that it took getting so emotionally involved with someone who wont be there in the future for me to feel that way again. I won't know the price or what it was worth till later but I am praying pretty hard that I come out on top of it. Not of him, just come out with good control of my feelings. I don't wanna spend the first 6 weeks of the fall patching them up and ruining a brain that could be focusing on the colors of the leaves, the smells in the air and all the glorious crunchy leaf stepping options. WOOOOHOOOOOO!! KKKKK Time to go get high and eat some bad for me food. Oh and B came to my workout class the other day which I realllly appreciated and it was crazy that he came through all that traffic just to come to it. It went ok, could have been better but I was pretty happy with the fact that I could be doing something I love and have a boy I am interested be able to see it. Kinda rare since I don't love a lot of things and when I play rugby I am too busy trying not to die to enjoy that they enjoy it.
Ok, time to go get high and eat things for real this time.
Damn it feels good to be a ganster.

Why does our society fuck itself?

Today I would like to explore the idea of things such as "good manners" and "social acceptability." I am specifically interested in the idea and the social norm of eating with silverware. Now, I understand that good manners in America are derived from Europe for the most part. That manners were originally seen as a marked difference between the upper and lower classes makes sense. However, times have changed, the way you appear in public has more to do with the physical presence established through your dress and your material wealth than in how you present yourself. In this way, I can still see how dressing up has some power within American society. Manners no longer divide the classes, for the most part all Americans are taught relatively the same manners and the strictness with which those manners are observed relies less on ones social class and more on ones parents. However, we are a society now where classes are divided by money. We show that we have money by the things we own, our education and our dress. But since manners are no longer a class divider (although they are arguably a race divider) why have they not been driven out by the younger generations as so many other older ideas have been rejected. There has been a slight shift in what is acceptable for ladies i.e eating larger portions, wearing pants at dinner, drinking alcohol in public.... but for the general portion of the public the rules have not really changed. The popularity of etiquette dinners astounds me. People actually go to them so that they can learn which fork goes with a salad and which with a meal. They learn that coffee and teacups are served with their handle at a forty five degree angle on the right hand side away from the person and that all their silverware is to be presented about 3/4 of an inch from the end of the table. GAG ME. WHO THE FUCK CARES? The wierd part is, people really do. As a college student, I have learned that spoons are the way to go. They are invaluable. Most foods never really need a fork. Of course the opposite is true with spaghetti? My mother always made me twirl it onto my spoon with my fork (which was completely impossible) and then attempt to work an already too large circle of pasta into my mouth. The problem is, if you get a small forkfull it won't twirl! So screw spoons, I just eat it with a fork and bite it off when the bite gets too big. This isn't good manners though. I have been looked at oddly before for it. But its more comfortable! Face it people, nobody likes to go through all that dilly dally for a frikking forkful of pasta. Then there are stews. In countries like India, most food is stew and most stew is eaten with your hands. You use your Naan to sop up the stew and pinch it together with your fingers....WHY HASNT THE U.S CAUGHT ON TO THIS???? I think its because we see it as a little below us. I mean, surely its fun to go to an indian restaurant and sit there and be like "oooo this is just sooooo ethnic Suzie!" But underlying that statement is the assumption that eating food with your fingers is special because it's not something your'e allowed to do in America. I just don't understand why not? Its "fun" right? It's practical. It saves a lot of dishes. I mean, yea not everything is easy to eat without a fork and knife. I am not saying we should abolish silverware. I am just saying that it makes no sense to eat with silverware that doesnt work well, to look down on people who do eat with their fingers(and if I cared enough I could write a whole thing on how calling a food ethnic in modern day America is like calling it 2nd class) And I don't understand how with all these breakthroughs with regards to gender and class and even age, we can't get past the old fashioned concept of good etiquette. I mean shit, there are guys who beat their wives who probably know which fork to use on a salad? Does that make them a better person? Why do people look at all those shitty outward things? I have a proposal. It's because we are LAZY. Hopefully eventually we will be so lazy that etiquette such as silverware will become unpopular, but right now we are too lazy to spend more than 8 seconds judging someone so we allow all of these old fashioned rules to stick, and dont bother racking our brains for signals like good eye contact, genuinity, a nice smile, going out of your way for other people. Sure people pay attention to those things, but thats after they have weeded out the guy who has a funny walk and wears clothes from the early seventies that werent cool then. Oh that guy also cuts all his steak up at once and licks his fingers after eating his chicken wings in a resteraunt. He also double dips, uses his meal fork for both his salad and meal and has holes in his jeans. Did I mention that that he can't pronounce the type of wine he wants and he talks with his mouth full (althoughe he tries not to show you a mouthful offood)? Good thing you weeded him out. Now youll never have to make yourself uncomfortable and you can talk to either that bitchy Bethel girl sitting next to you or your grandma who should have been dead by now but has managed to hang on because she feeds off of criticizing people like that man in her head. Your choice.
I know that manners helped create an organized society, but now that we have an organized society, I think the brilliant people should get on the bandwagon (they are usually the social outcasts anyway) and bring down the faceless idiots who decide what degree I want my teacup at. I drink with my left hand damnit.

After looking up a few choice dinner ediquette recommendations I wanted to throw a few of my favorites in from some websites.

The formal dineer never begins before seven o'clock; the time usually is eight or eight-thirty.


At a formal dinner, the host enters the dining room first with the woman guest of honor on his right arm. The other guests follow in couples; the hostess enters last with the most important man
Once seated, unfold your napkin and use it for occasionally wiping your lips or fingers. At the end of dinner, leave the napkin tidily on the place setting.

Hold the knife and fork with the handles in the palm of the hand, forefinger on top, and thumb underneath.

Whether to serve the hostess or the woman guest of honor first is still a debated question.

It is inappropriate to ask for a doggy bag when you are a guest. Save the doggy bag for informal dining situations. (this way you don't look like you need the food)

Whilst (no joke, it says whilst) eating, rest the knife and fork on either side of the plate between mouthfuls. When you have finished eating, place them side by side in the centre of the plate.

Desserts may be eaten with both a spoon and fork, or alternatively a fork alone if it is a cake or pastry style sweet.

Should a lady wish to be excused for the bathroom, it is polite for the gentlemen to stand up as she leaves the table, sit down again, and then stand once more when she returns.

Forks should not be turned over unless being used for eating peas, sweetcorn kernels, rice or other similar foods. In which case, it should be transferred to the right hand. However, at a casual buffet, or barbecue, it is quite acceptable to eat with just a fork.



WHEW. Good thing I know this stuff now. People who eat food with their fingers must be either crazy, unreliable, not worth my time or worse.....foreign.

Rain

The rain is here. I love it. I think right now I will quit this unecessary blog and go out in it.

So little time

Wow. Tonight a bridge on 35w collapsed into the river near my house. They are saying that nearly 50 cars were on it and fell into the river. They have gotten all the cars out but there are still search and rescue teams. Right now the death count is up to anywhere between three and five. Its very sobering. I was working on a photo project at the time and it felt very strange to be sitting in such a sheltered area while the city was going crazy around me. Getting home wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be thank God.
Today I finally spent some much needed time alone. After work I went over to the photo lab and spent 5ish hours just printing shit up. Stuff I wanted to print. Not anything some dumb photo teacher was going to tear apart. Man, I fucking hated critiques. I can't even recall a critique I came out of not crying. I hated that walk across the bridge back home. Anyway, I really like some of the stuff I made today. Maybe I will put it up on the blog later. I just got done getting in a little spat with my dad though so I dont really feel like fucking around with my printer. Plus I am on my crazy roomates computer and I don't know how its happening but my clicker keeps going up on the wrong words. Typos galore. I was feeling great about my alone time earlier but since I got home and my dad yelled at me, now I kinda wish i was with a friend. But those are the times I need to start focusing on. I am so sick of being addicted to people. I need to want to be alone most of the time not just when I am doing fun shit. Tonight would be a great night for that midnight swim. I think I will do it tomorrow. I don't have training friday so that should work perfectly. If I go swim in the mississipi I can have a party with the dead bodies. Too early for that joke? Yea, I thought so.
I am starting to get really antsy for the fall. I mean, there are a few things about this summer that I am going to miss, primarily suntanning, my HS friends being home, that one boy and whatnot, but all in all, i am ready for the next phase. Whoever I bring with me into that phase, thats great. But I want a new apartment, I want my new job to start producing cash, I want bonfires, flannel shirts, the smell of burning leaves. I want cool days to run in, rugby games, football season, Halloween and the burning desire to make that unecessary glass of hot chocolate. This summer has been so slow. It feels like I have been holding my breath. There has been a lot of mystery and excitement. Tons of anxiety, but the good kind. There are only a few necessary things left to do. I have to go up to the north shore, I have to get the perfect tan, I have to go to church outside and I have to sleep out on top of the roof of my apartment.
Its going to be weird not being in school this year. Althou'gh, I don't feel yet like there is a piece of me missing, I am pretty sure it will happen at some point. I mean, what the heck do I do with myself? I have made very few friends in college and moving to my new apartment further away will ostrocize me further from those I have made. I don't have a real job yet so I can't really throw myself into that. I don't have a real boyfriend or anyone I could even allow myself to think seriously about and still keep part of my dignity, so I know I am not headed in my sisters direction. I guess the place to look now is Seattle. My biggest dream. I am fucking headed there and I dare you to stop me. I don't know if it will be with Shelli or Nate or myself, but someday soon I am going to feel the ocean breeze off the most beautiful city in the U.S.
This blog has turned out to be somewhat dissapointing. I am realizing now that at least at this moment in my life the thing I am most concerned about is myself. I am my own number one priority. BLUACK. It is awkard to admit that, but all of these blogs have been so self centered. I is easy to claim that it is because I have been going through so many changes. And I have. I mean, I have been asked to stretch myself this summer, and I have forced myself to allow myself to be stretched. This has required an unusual amount of self analysis. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think it stretches into my own sin. I have had somewhat of an inability to feel for many other people than myself. I am having a hard time putting myself into their shoes which is usually something that comes easy for me. I am completely focused on the task at hand and on being the best person I can be, which isn't necessarily bad but sometimes being a good person is focusing on others and not yourself. Actually, most times. I need to be more sensitive to my mothers needs and to a few of my friends. I want to spend more time making other people's days better. I don't think I have cooked a big meal for a friend in a while.
Ok wow. The craziest thing just happened. As I was lamenting about not having the opportunity to take care of someone or to feel for someone else my aunt called me to let me know that my cousins dog died. My cousin I am sure took it really hard and my aunt was distraught as well. I babysat that dog a few times and I really liked him. I am not glad the dogdied but I am glad it is giving me someone to pray for and to think about. Anyway, I should probably go clean the bathroom like I said I was going to. Until next time.
"I wanna be sedated"