Oops, publishing this a day late

Look at me now, I am like a month into this and I am blogging the crap out of everything. Of course there has been a significantly larger amount of drama than usual but I think it is safe to say that I love blogging now. SHHHHH. Don't tell. I wish that I knew for a fact that nobody read this blog but I know for a fact that at least one person has/does. It's ok. I have really made an effort to pretend like no one has and to write for myself and myself alone. Today is Sunday, it feels a little odd to not be at church this morning even though there have been plenty of Sunday's where I have skipped church, today I really wanted to go. I love to feel God's arms wrapped around me. I might go to this outdoor service tonight at a church in Edina. The church I went to as a High Schooler, CPC. I was thinking today that its been a really long time since I have been challenged by a sermon, or a lecture or any sort of scholastic activity. I really miss it. Its not because I'm not in school right now either. My last two semesters of school didn't really have anything interesting in them. My Youth and Spirituality class was ok second semester but it really never got further than the basics, and my teacher was so easy I just ended up slacking and not really reading any of the books or anything. I really wish I could take just one class this semester at school as a non degree seeking student. I looked through some of the classes available this semester for fun. Some classes that look really interesting to me are...
1. Language Culture and Power- Language, Culture, and Power aims to consider language as a social and political practice from an anthropological perspective which pays close attention to language in its contexts of use. The complex relationship between language, culture, and power raises important questions: how does language shape our view of the world? What relations of power are produced in language use and beliefs about language? How is language used creatively to produce social worlds? What are the politics of using one variety of language over another? What are the politics of writing, and how do debates about spoken language carry over to the written word?
2. The Rise of Civilization-Examines the development of complex societies, from early hunter-gatherer groups through settled agricultural villages, to the rise of towns and cities. Comparison of processes of change in ten regions of the world. Intended for all undergraduates.
3. Pacific Island Societies- Pretty self explanatory
4. Symbolic Anthropology-Symbolic anthropology is a way of understanding cultures as systems of symbols, meanings, and intentions. Cultures are understood as "symbolic orders" or, alternatively, as arenas comprising meaningful discourse and counter-discourse. In either view, they are something more than disconnected habits or practices. Symbolic anthropology focuses on figurative rather than literal meanings. It also focuses on expressive culture (e.g., folklore, myth, ritual, humor, political speech). Topics in symbolic anthropology include: totemism, ritual pollution; taboo; rites of transition; divine kinship; fertility rituals; folk medicine; body mutilation, tattooing, and cosmetics; and symbolic constructions of gender relations. The course asks how symbolic practices represent social and political values and unconscious wishes.
5. Human Evolution- I just want to take this class so that I can get pissed off every day


Anyway, I think maybe I will sit in on a few lectures in the fall. I probably won't but it might be kinda cool to go to a class for free and not have to do any of the homework, just sit and absorb the information. We will see how big the classes that I am interested in are. Man, I never realized before last year how much I love anthropology. Just reading the fucking descriptions turns me on.
Things are still up in the air with the boy. I have no idea where he is sitting and its fine. I've waited longer than two days before. I fucking hope he doesn't give up on me. I really do. It wouldn't surprise me if he did though. Who's to say hes any different from the only other boy I have ever met who is like him?
Me and my crazy Moroccan roommate are getting along way better now. I think our democratic sex talk helped a lot, as well has him becoming friends with my neighbor. I can hang out with him comfortably now and now that I am comfortable with him I am able to be nicer to him because I am not scared hes gonna rape me in my sleep. Not that I wouldn't welcome a good Moroccan raping, I mean, you'd have to be crazy not to. I think tonight I am gonna go over to the lake and go for a midnight swim. That should be fun and some good alone time. I need to start getting some more alone time in again. Every summer stretches me way to thin as far as friends go and when I do get alone time the only thing it is is cleaning. Always cleaning. I need to plan things for myself to do. That way my alone time will be more attractive. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would love to go on a midnight swim with a sexy boy or a friend but if I do end up alone, that should be what I do. Speaking of friends, someone is coming over now. I wish he wouldn't always get a hold of me right when i get home. It's like I have no time to breathe. No wonder I had a fucking nervous breakdown last summer. I can't wait till we move into our new apt. so that I can get away from him.
Today I heard the song Silver Spring on the radio by Fleetwood Mac. I haven't heard that song in forever. It flew me back to sophomore year, sitting on my bed with my sister while she played it for me. She had decided that it was about a boy I was in love with. One of the only loves I have ever known. I think one of the best parts of this song are these lines that could be really creepy if you think about it but I love it.

Time cast a spell on you
But you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you
But you would not let me

I follow you down 'till the sound
Of my voice will haunt you
You'll never get away from the sound
Of the woman who loves you


Anyway. That song was for you Greg. I hope you don't die in Iraq now! You'll never read this so the sarcasm will go unnoticed. Not that I want you to die or anything...


Ok, I never finished that post obviously because it was Sunday. I never went on that midnight swim but I can see it in my near future.

RULE CHANGE

I am changing the no two posts in one day rule. See, last night I posted but it was so late that when I post today it seeeems like the same day. However in my head nothing could be more different. Things I thought were solid yesterday seem fluid. I am stuck in that stupid slow motion time again, waiting for the same person I have waited for all summer. Is it worth it? YES. I know that the day will come when I look back on all the slow motion time and know for a fact that it was, no matter what turns out. I mean in a way, hes doing me a favor. He's making my summer go SLOW for once. Poem time.

Untitled

When I'm alone I watch the happy parts of movies
When I'm alone I drink milk straight from the jug
And nothings gonna stop me
no nothings gonna stop me
when I'm alone I can't fuck it all up.

When I'm alone everything is light around me
when I'm alone I see the distant dark
and nothings gonna stop me
no nothings gonna stop me
when I'm alone I see the heavens part

When I'm alone the silence grasps me
when I'm alone i feel a softer warmth
and nothings gonna keep me
no nothings gonna keep me
when I'm alone I call my devils forth.

When I'm alone I am real and worthy
when I'm alone I smile inside
and no ones gonna find me
yea no ones gonna find me
when I'm alone there is no need to hide.

When I am free I can't lose my bearings
When I am free I stand straight and tall
and nothings gonna stop me
No nothings gonna stop me
No nothings gonna save me from my fall.




Is this poem happy? Is this poem sad? I have been trying to decide that for a while now. I wrote three of the verses a long time ago and two today. Not in order, but I still don't know what I am trying to feel when it all comes out. Maybe thats what I am trying to convey, bittersweet. So really, not a new topic for me. Pretty much same old same old. I like this poem though. I really do. Ok hopefully I have nothing more to write today. I'm crossing my fingers but I don't believe in luck. Wow, that could be a good line in a poem. I think I will remember that one. Haha. I can't stop thinking in poems right now. Sometimes when I am alone, I talk into the mirror in a british accent and tell nursery rhymes about kings that I make up myself. Thank God nobody reads this blog. That admission could be the end of every friendship I have.

Party

Sooooo....tonight. Hmmmm. I had a nineties party, which was really great. Honestly, it turned out really awesome and way more people showed up than I thought would. I mean, not nearly as many as I would have liked but they all seemed to get along great, everyone was fun and wonderful. I wanted people to dance more, thats the whole idea of a nineties party in my head. Well any party really, i just love to dance. I love the way dancing forces you to interact with people. It forces you to recognize someone in your space, adjust and enjoy it. I love all the interaction that goes with that. I had a few really cool people show up tonight. I had my friend Jon show up. I never need to abbreviate the name Jon because I just have so many friends with that name. Anyway, he is this amazing artist that I have been friends with for a long time. Actually, his brother Zach was my first kiss and his brother Seth was one of my best friends for a long time, minus the time where I was semi dating Zach, in which case he refused to call me anything but "Monster." Who else? Joanna, Laura, Ben A, B, Bryan, Tommy, Bobby and Chris. I honestly didn't think Bobby and Chris would show up but they did. Wow, I am boring just listing off names. There were more. Alex, etc. But I am just really excited that people had a good time. Well, they all seemed to have a good time till the end. Then of course Ben got pissed as usual but it wasn't nearly as bad as usual. B got sad or pissed or something. I didn't even know he was but then I oops called him TWICE because I am a loser haha. He was mad or sad about something. Hopefully he will tell me at some point if it was something I did. Other than that, I had a great time tonight. I love hosting things. Nobody gave me any fucking money for anything (except B tried to but I owed him for gas so I wouldn't let him). But I really didn't mind. Yea, maybe I blew sixty dollars on everything and everyone. But I absolutely love to see people getting along, laughing, having a great time. The drinks I made were a hit. The beer was a little warm but these things happen:) I had a phenomenal time. There was some slight drama over a broken window and I ended up defending my friend against another friend. This was ridiculous, but it does remind me that I am a fierce friend. I will not take bullshit when it comes to that sort of thing. If I know a person to be innocent, if I know a person to be good and wonderful, I will sit theres and argue until I am old and my teeth fall out for one of those people. I love my friends, even the clingy ones who have crushes on me. Anyway, I think my favorite song tonight was this Shins song that Jon played for me. It was really great.
After the party, a bunch of the people went into my neighbors apartment and hung out there. This includes Bang, my roomate. I felt pretty left out actually, especially since they went downtown first and hung out. When I went in there, the only thing they were interested in was accusing my friend wrongly of breaking that window and I wasn't interested in arguing with them. So I am back here now, I am happy because I want to spend some time alone. The silence feels excellent. But I am unhappy because in a way, I don't feel like I am choosing this aloneness. That makes all the difference to me. Even if I wanted to go in the other apt. I would never let myself. Ridiculous. But yea. Right now, the silence seems golden. It's a gorgeous night. I am a little worried about B, I hope I didn't do anything wrong. I had a great night with him. I loved his outfit, he was so sexy and everything about him was phenomenal as usual.
My roommate and I are still arguing about weather or not my friend broke that window. I am glad that she cares about me enough to worry for me, to worry that I might be in danger, to worry that I am being controlled. Sometimes I worry for myself these same things but then I realize how melodramatic, how ridiculously over sensitive I am. This blog made no sense. I am not sad or worried, I just want tonight to be over because of the whole window thing.

Thursday

Yea so I stayed at my parents house last night. I was out late with a certain someone and ready to completely pass out by the time he left because of the previous night, staying up reading Harry Potter. Done with that now. Its the end of an era:( (sniff) But yea, saw Die Hard again last night, must remind myself to buy all four. I am sure they will come out with a disk set soon. It just can't get better to me than explosions everywhere. Oh Jon McClain, I would fuck you in an instant, even though I am 90% sure you're a dirty republican. Tight 5 practice today rocked the house. A little muddy but I always feel so big and invincible, even when I am being pushed back and losing. Just being there, feeling the dirt and using every ounce of energy I have. AHHHHHH RUGBY RUGBY RUGBY. Nothing like it. Annnnnnnnnnyyyyway. I am feeling ridiculous tonight. I have decided todays list will consist of.... (drumroll).....
Top 10 Guilty Pleasures (currently)

1. Creed
2. My friend Ben's vibrating back massage thing
3. Drinking milk straight from the jug
4. Using the sharpest razor in the shower (whether or not its mine)
5. Rough sex
6. Stealing quarters from my Moroccan roommate
7. Extra Blue Cheese sauce to go with my deep fried boneless wings
8. The occasional use of boys deodorant
9. Bacon egg and cheese biscuits from McDonald's
10. Montages

Wow. That one was really fun. I lost my first copy so number nine is a little inaccurate. I can't remember what the other option was. I think it was better, but all in all pretty on. Ok, time to wrap it up. Time to drink hard.

I Never Want to Go Back

So, after much careful consideration, much long deliberation I have decided to go for it. I mean, Fuck it! Iv'e been hit harder, I've been hurt worse. Now, I am invincible. I'm made of brick and titanium. My treasure lays in heaven, my hope with God. Nothing here can take that away. In the end, I won't regret feeling, I won't regret living my life with passion. Why just keep that passion limited to friendships, working, playing? I want it to seep into my soul. I want to live the life I said I would a long time ago. He made me forget that it was possible. Well fuck him! Thats right, fuck you Jon. You can't control with some omnipotent hand, the way I live, how I interact with other people. You hurt me but you will never be able to again. I am going to be full of second chances, full of hope for new romances, full of pain when things that are fragile break. I will embrace it, let it teach me, but refuse to let it give rise to callus feeling. This summer, I have started living life again, feeling God's grace and no matter what happens next year with my job, my friends, boys or money I won't be able to forget the hot heat and softer dreams of this summer. It's time to cut off the things that aren't good for me, its time to chase the things that will grow me as a person. Last summer, I expressed to the important boy in my life that we had to part ways, that I was going to find myself. I have spent about a year now searching for that self and although I have by no means figured it all out, I think I have found her. I am finally starting to make some progress in that search for the girl who was lost. Sound dramatic? It is. This last year has been tumultuous at best. This summer so far has been a peaceful dream and has given me chances to fix what is wrong in my life. I am far from there, but I am finally seeing that I have let fear drive me for about two years now. So much fear, and now I am seeing what it means to live without it. I never ever want to go back.

Cabining and other things (turns out I am awful with titles)

I am pretty exhausted today, being that I spent the whole weekend at my sister's cabin drinking very little else but alcohol and going to bed later than I planned. I took B, which I was kinda nervous about but I think it ended up being a good thing. He got to know my sister which is somewhat essential to getting to know me, but in some ways is a little more boyfriendish than I would like. I had a difficult time the whole weekend with acting exactly how I wanted to act because I felt like I was under scrutiny from my sister. All in all though, excellent weekend. Now I am drunker, tanner, basically sexier version of myself. I won at poker, beating my brother in law's friends and B (again:)) which made me feel awesome as winning at poker always does.
There was a guy there at the cabin, with which I used to have some insane sexual chemistry. I was really worried that it would still be there this weekend but to my pleasant surprise, not only was I not attracted to him, I found myself to be somewhat disgusted by him.
Some other crazy cabiny stuff that happened included but is not limited to, hiking around in a creek, jumping on my old big trampoline, getting real drunk at a street dance, eating waffles at a fireman's fundraiser, and wakeboarding. Oh and I got to sleep next to B which for some reason I LOVED and was actually excited about for the first time in a while. Toward the end of the weekend though, he accused me kind of accused me of being a slut (a valid accusation perhaps) and it made me really sad but I think it comes from a basic difference in the way we look at our interactions with people. I would argue that what makes me not a slut (if I am in fact not) are the reasons for why I sleep with people. I am not 100% sure sure of what all of them are, but I am quite sure that they are not because I want attention, am short a good father figure, because I am trying to control people or am trying to get a boyfriend really bad. In fact, one of the number one reasons I have dated so many people this year is because I have been so sick of being tied down to one person....anyway, now I feel a little reprimanded and a little sad and a little ashamed but still, the weekend with him was 98.6% excellent.
I have not yet had a chance to read the new Harry Potter book and I am terrified that I am going to hear the end accidentally before I read it. A friend of mine is going to loan it to me to read probably Wednesday. It's quite possible that there is an all nighter in my very near future.
I have been trying really hard to like hip hop more again lately. Every time I am seeing a guy who loves hip hop I try to get into it. This time I am having a little success. I am getting into Gangstarr, Mr. Lif and MF Doom (again) (in that order). At the cabin, all we did was listen to Nickelback, no country even. It made me want to scream and tear my hair out. Hip hop was a welcome change on the ride home and even more enjoyable than usual thanks to the sexy guy sitting next to me. When he drives and is listening to hip hop, I feel like I am watching his movie with his soundtrack and its a beautiful moment.
I officially started training on my new job today. It was so corporate that it made me want to puke, but its corporate restaurants that run smoothly. Honestly, I am kinda glad I am working for a well established, successful corporation. It will give me a chance to get back on my feet financially. I really want to save up money this year so that I can travel. I want to bike the oceanic trail next. The oceanic trail runs from Washington to California and I have heard it is gorgeous. The problem is, I doubt anyone would want to go with me and it is so unsafe for girls to do stuff like that by themselves. I wish I had a friend who loved adventure like me, who wanted to jump on trains and skydive and hike and bike and go crazy with me. I don't always like that stuff, but being a girl, I get so pissed off. I am reminded of these lyrics.

Just A Girl"

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights

Oh...I've had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear

'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh...I've had it up to here!
Oh...am I making myself clear?
I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!
I'm just a girl, living in captivity

Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some
I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

Oh...I've had it up to
Oh...I've had it up to
Oh...I've had it up to here.

Anyway. I hope that I find someone like that to hang out with sometime. I am sure they are out there. I just can't imagine how someone could NOT want to do all the crazy things I want to do. I mean, you only have one life! How can you not want to try everything?!? I just don't understand. Anyway, I think the biking of the oceanic trail is my next goal in life. My next fun goal. It is going to be so crazy being out of school this year. I will have way more time to go visit my friends. Here is my days list.

Top 5 People in places I want to see
1. BTS-California (but it wont work out because He will be in Australia with his stupid GF)
2. John-Texas
3. Jon-Montana
4. B- Lacrosse, WI
5. Shell-Winona

We will see how that stuff works out. My list of things I am most excited for has almost come true. Thus far, numbers 2-5, and 7-9 have already been fulfilled. Well, a friend of mine, Em is coming over tonight. It should be fun hanging out, chilling with her. She is one of those girls you can't handle seeing every day but you really wanna hang out with them occasionally. Shes a good lady, an excellent one in fact. I am having a hard time figuring out how to end this post. Maybe with
Toodles

Thank God for that Minnesota Nice

So, yesterday my car broke down on my way to my parent's house for my sister's birthday. It broke down coming off of a highway onto a road and I was blocking about two lanes of traffic. So I proceeded to put my flashers on and run to the nearest store for help. Then these two amazing boys who work at noodles came out and helped me push my car around the corner so that I was only blocking 3/4 of a lane of traffic instead. Of course at this point we were all soaking wet because as soon as I broke down God chose that moment to start dumping rain on our heads. I made a few phone calls and ended up calling AAA. It's weird because it felt like a parent coming over and rescuing me from my disaster. I really appreciate that my family is wealthy enough to afford something like AAA. But seriously, those noodles guys, they were amazing. Only in the Midwest are you gonna find two guys willing to push your car up a hill while its pouring rain that aren't trying to bang you. However, I did let them know that I am buying them a drink asap so hopefully that will encourage their altruistic behavior in the future. Once I made it home my sisters birthday was ok. I hope she liked my gift, I think she really did but you can never know with my sister. I was really appreciating her yesterday. Of course Birthdays are my favorite holiday because if there were no birthdays than there would be no people. So as I was watching her eat her dessert, I was really touched by her presence. My sister. We share the same blood, same history, we have been through the same things with our parents. We have prayed together, ate together and cried together. But I don't really know her. I dont know her at all. It makes me sad that the one person I should know is just beyond my reach. No matter how hard I try to get inside that head I can't. It's not that she is particularly guarded. She is just so different from me. I can't even imagine how she works and functions. We don't think the same things are funny, we don't like the same music. I don't think we even think the same type of men are attractive. I wish that I could understand her better so I could better serve her. I want to take care of her and love her and be the best sister in the world. She has her friends for that though. I would still say my sister and I are close. We are very close really for family. I have heard tons of stories that make me glad that SHE is my sister and not someone else. But we don't have that easy communication, that knowing look between the two of us. I want that someday. I want to be able to help her and know her better than ever.

Maria what can we lose?

Just finished watching a rugby game, Scotland vs. New Zealand. Excellent viewing. It kept freezing up though cuz the disk was scratched so we ended up playing a ting jam session which turned into a crazy singing/playing jam session. I am a little pissed because we made up this twelve bar blues song and I made up all the lyrics and of course forgot them. This is my rendition of the bits and pieces i remember with some shit stuck in between that could or could not be good. Trust me, at the time of course it was brilliant.


Maria, she wont take your money
but she'll cut off your tie
or your throat by reply
shes a wife, shes a honey


shes a woman, oh maria
youre a woman
dont I need ya?
OH Maria let me feel ya
Oh maria let me feel ya

Maria what can we lose?
I cant notice the truth
if you don't tell me which
drugs I should use


shes a woman, oh maria
youre a woman
dont I need ya?
OH Maria let me be ya
Oh maria let me be ya

If Maria be kind
the kind of lady who's envied,
well bred of sound mind?
Oh maria
that'd be suicide
Oh Maria Suicide


I won't be posting at my sisters cabin obviously. I have a feeling that when I get back I will have a lot inside me to post. Hopefully the journal doesn't suck all my feelings up first. Its like a feckkin competition. (Whoever doesn't understand that word needs to watch Trailer Park Boys)

While I am on the advice line, i would advise you all to eat more steak and veggies and less bread. Also eat ginger.

Puppies and Boxes (something got fucked up in the format again)

So, I spent a lot of time yesterday taking care of my aunt's dogs for her. It was pretty fun especially because I had company over and mostly because I absolutely love the ridiculously unbridled affection of dogs. I just don't understand how they possibly have so much loyalty to a pack leader which is pretty much what they think we are. It's amazing how animals are all built so differently. I am going up to my sisters cabin in 4 and a half days and I am so excited I could pee. Oops, just did. I keep looking over at the wakeboard on the wall and imagining the feeling of glassy water underneath me. I hope its not too windy this weekend. Anyway, enough with the yahoo dribble that belongs in my journal. I am here to tackle a real question posed to me last night. Late in the evening as I was wrapped almost entirely around someone, I was accused of being a hopeless romantic. PSSSHH. How dare he right? Well, of course I just began to spout off a bunch of bullshit about people not understanding me and blah blah blah because of course the easiest way for me to get out of answering a question I don't want to answer is to talk the person into a corner and confuse them by bringing in other unnecessary info. Yea I know its weird. This poor kid got treated to like a fifteen minute bullshit monologue. At least that will teach him huh? Well, I got to thinking about weather the accusation was true or not. Obviously I am cynical about relationships and I hate commitment so I can't be too much of a romantic. But what is a romantic really? A hopeless romantic to be more accurate. Here is what I found.

Romantic

1.	of, pertaining to, or of the nature of romance; characteristic or suggestive of the world of romance: a romantic adventure.

2.	fanciful; impractical; unrealistic: romantic ideas.

3.	imbued with or dominated by idealism, a desire for adventure, chivalry, etc.

4.	characterized by a preoccupation with love or by the idealizing of love or one's beloved.

5.displaying or expressing love or strong affection.

6.	ardent; passionate; fervent.

		7.(usually initial capital letter) of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a style of literature and art that subordinates form to content, encourages freedom of treatment, emphasizes imagination, emotion, and introspection, and often celebrates nature, the ordinary person, and freedom of the spirit (contrasted with classical). Looking at the word romantic this way, I can see a little where he is coming from. I am a bit fanciful, impractical in the way I view my life in relation to others. I can at times display strong affection and I am very passionate when it comes to my ideals. However, I think that number seven, which is a description of romantic literature could very easily be replaced with a description of how I see the world. I subordinate form to content in conversation, I celebrate nature and believe strongly in introspection etc. So maybe, I am a romantic. However, I have taken what many people apply to love, the passion that people feel for others and hopefully transferred it into a passion for life and existence, for reaching people in their corners and bringing them into the light. I want the way I live my life to be a light to people who are stuck in dark places and who have less hope. Perhaps I would be a romantic when it comes to love if I hadn't been hurt so many times. Maybe I just have decided that throwing my passion into love isn't nearly as important as throwing it into other people. Or maybe I have learned to repress my romantic notions in company because our society is based on what we believe to be "realism" and "science." Growing up, I never admired my mother who was an emotional train wreck and was passionate about the concept of love. My mother is in love with love. I grew up admiring my father. Being a tomboy, I knew that it is a boys job in this ridiculously patriarchal society to balance out that more "feminine" aspect of whimsical romance with stern reality. I think that I have striven for this my whole life. Why? Because it is a way to gain power and control over my life and my relations with others. However, It would make me very angry if someone were to read this blog and come away with the idea that I am just "repressing my inner female self." I don't believe I am. I believe that I have shaped myself so that I choose to impress certain parts of my personality on people at certain times. I think that we all have romance in us, boys and girls fathers and grandmothers. This is not more feminine than masculine but sadly our society has made it so. So, all that is left is me, a girl who is by turns affectionate and cold, comforting and distant, feminine and masculine. More than being a girl, more than being from Minnesota, more than living in affluent America, I am just myself, a strange complex mix that can't be categorized. I feel so selfish right now, not writing about another person, just digging into myself, but I hope and pray that there is some other girl like me out there that could maybe read this at some point out of random chance and explode out of those boundaries that have held her for so long. I think it is dangerous to get caught up in categorizing yourself and allowing other people to. When you categorize yourself you leave yourself no room to grow. I have made a mistake lately of categorizing myself as a cynic. Last night, my friend's question reminded me that I can't be like that because when a situation arises that gives someone a chance to remove themselves from a box, they may not have the courage to do it. After spending so much time conforming to its sides, it seems comfortable and safe. Last night I was scared of being seen in a different light, scared that that would make me weaker. But how can you be weaker when you're breaking out of a box that is too small to fit you?

Things are in the works

Today was fan-fucking-tastic. Delicious food + Beach + Weed + tossing cherries out of the third floor of a building into my friends mouth on the other side of a fence while he is working= Priceless. There are some things money can't buy. But for all the delicious food, my pocket definately paid a price. It's just hard to not spend money now because I know I HAVE A JOB (Insert celebration dance here). I can't write shit in bold anymore without fucking up the font so capitals will have to substitute. So I think I made an ass of myself like 3 times today. Once in front of a cop, once on someones voice mail, and once when a friend caught me in a lie but I was able to quickly cover up for it. Oops. I have got to stop lying so much. Bad Christian! Anyway, the Twin Cities Aquentennial is tomorrow and I hope to go to it either with my friend Peter or B or whoever really, or myself I guess. If you've read my blog you know I am a sucker for city get-togethers. I can't wait to go to my sisters cabin because of the street dance. Let's see.... (Holy Shit it just started pouring rain out of nowhere) I know I said I would make a new extended to do list so I am gonna go ahead and do that right now. I am going to incorporate some of my old list and put stars by the new items. First though, I need to give props to the person who gave me this idea 5 years ago. It was some girl who wrote her extended to do list on the wall of the art building. It was so fucking personal and it was the first time I understood what it really meant to go public with personal art work. So here it goes, the closest thing to public that I am going to get.

MY EXTENDED TO DO LIST
Get my ear pierced
Lose five pounds
*get my own kitty
Give up all candy but chocolate
Stop inviting people to hang out with me when I don't have the time
Go camping. A LOT
Go to Iceland
*Move to Seattle
Like Church more (the sitting part not the Jesus part)
*Be more like Jesus
*Go to graduate school for Anth.
Maintain my toenails
learn to use chopsticks proficiently
*be more assertive in bed
*be more assertive to those who are trying to walk all over me
Write a one hit wonder
Learn to break dance
*Do an Iron Man
*Do the MS 150 again
*Bike the Oceanic Trail
*Commit. To anything.
Win a significant amount of money in poker (200-600 dollars)
Brush my hair
get a massage, manicure, petticure etc.
Memorize a chapter of the bible
*get a group of friends who all like each other
*Write my Grandma in Michigan
Write more poetry
*Finish my novel
*Perform as background vocalist on stage with option of strategic Dildo slapping
*Get a real Job
*Get a real Car
*Not give in to that pressure to be a real adult
*Stop being a pussy and finish filling out my Peace Corps application
*Keep up my tan
Learn Spanish

That's all I've got for that for the time being. I have a feeling that the first bits of my blog will be stuff like this. Stuff that I need to get out onto this blog in order to hold myself accountable. That's another thing I noticed that I find different between having my journal and my blog. When I write in here, I am more likely to stick to my guns because someone out there could possibly read it. Just imagine how good of a person I would be if I actually told this shit to people. To their face. WOW. Hey You. You should make one of these, these extended to do lists. I have a few things I haven't put on here because they are too personal. But you should write one down. You would be surprised at what comes up as important to you. But I will give you some advice. Don't stick to just things you dream of or just practicalities. Think of things you really want to get done weather they are dreams or something that you will probably get done within the next few months. I am shocked to look at all the things I crossed off of my old list. And we all know, even those of us who are unorganized, that nothing feels better than being able to check something off your list.

Trying to stay awake

So, I was up all night. I haven't pulled an all nighter since the eighth grade. You know, those church retreats where you have a lock in or my personal favorite was the all night party. We would go to a movie at 10 and then at midnight go to cheap skate and then to someones house for a pool party etc. etc. Looking back, I am more thankful to all the staff who helped out. Pulling an all nighter now is like hell for me, I am sure it took some sacrifice. I am not really sure why I couldn't sleep last night. I got home really late from a friends house and laid down but I just spent the entire night staring at the ceiling. At about 6:30 I got up and ate food and talked to my roommate who also had had a difficult time sleeping. The weird part is, I called my mom like a half hour ago and she had also been up since about 2:30 and couldn't sleep. Maybe its something in the air....
However, I don't really care that I didn't sleep because I had such a good night that it was worth it. I think the high from being happy and having fun was partly to blame/the Sudafed I took to stop my runny nose. When I get home from my interview I am going to smoke a huge J and fall asleep. Its going to be amazing. So for now, I am just killing time... There are some things on my mind though. I have been thinking a lot lately about how connected everything is. Not so much analyzing it as questioning it. I don't think there has been a lot of research done (although no one can be certain) on the connection between, say, the effect that the frog population in Minnesota has had on the increase of childbirth in humans. Now, I think that is pretty much impossible to study. I know that there are theories out there such as string theory that believe everything to be connected in certain ways ( but I am no expert). When I talked to my mother this morning, she asked me if I knew weather or not we had a full moon last night. I said no, but she was telling me about how when she was in college she lived with a bunch of nursing students who worked in the maternity ward. She told me that the nights there was a full moon, they would always come home exhausted because for some reason or another there were so many births. Then she rattled on about gravitational pull and such but my mother doesn't know anything about these kind of things. The point is, I do believe that everything is connected. Not merely because I believe in God (although that is a large part of it) but because I have seen personally, so many small things affected by other small things, and there are smaller things on smaller microscopic scales that I can't begin to even understand. Our earth is such a fragile system. No, I don't believe that it could go at any moment necessarily (our earth is going to outlast us all after we kill ourselves), but things coordinate so importantly, with purposes I believe we humans will never be able to completely grasp, graph, count etc. When I think about that, I am glad that I am not in God's place. Not only is he responsible to control all of these coordinating motions of our system, but then people pray to him to change shit that he knows he isn't going to change because for all I know it could make our planet explode to find a cure for cancer. Then he sits there and listens to us gripe at him about not answering our prayers and when he does answer them with a YES we forget so easily that he ever answered. We sit and piss and moan and pray to him when we are in trouble. After all that he still loves us and wants to communicate with us. That is insane. But yea, that isn't really the point of this post. I just can't help but wonder weather the way I step on the earth helps keep it in place, weather earthquakes and volcanoes are what keep whole countries from exploding. I wonder I wonder.

Captain James Hook and Friends

Harry Potter Five came out in theaters today woooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooo. Yea, all except for the part where I didn't go. I do love Harry Potter but I was so exhausted after the workout I taught today that its about 12:15 now and I am definitely going to bed after this post. So, instead of Harry Potter, I went out to eat with my friend (he paid because he is amazing:)) and got delicous food. Then we went back to my apartment and watched Hook. He just got it on DVD so it was pretty much awesome. I would love to go off about my dinner and exactly what I had but that would be going against the blog rules I have created for myself. I am going to write them down here in order.

Cityberries Blog Code of Ethics

1. Never, under any circumstances will I recite verbatim what happened to me or what I ate in a day.
*Not to say one cannot relay day to day events but said events can't be in exact order unless the order has a direct effect on the point of the post. Said events can never be told from wake up to sleep with no point.
2. I will never post more than one blog in a day unless someone in my immediate family has died.
3. I will never write about my "amazing trip" on mushrooms. However, I can write about good ideas I have had while smoking pot as long as another person has seconded the idea.
4. I will never type a blog while crying. That belongs in my journal.
5. (last but certainly not least) I will never narrate dreams I have had (8 year old style) unless they have had specific influence on a change in how I see myself, others or my purpose in life.

At this point I can't think of any more rules but I do have another list to share with my future self who will be reading this in twenty years. It's things I am excited for that i believe/hope will happen in the near future. Soon I will post an extended to do list, since my old one has been going on since sophomore year of college. However, this list will have to do for now

Top 10 Things I am Currently Excited for
(in no particular order)

1. Moving into my new apartment

2. Getting rid of Mimi

3. Possibility of long car ride with B

4. Wakeboarding at the cabin

5. Getting a job at CPK

6. Making money again so I can buy shit

7. My sister's birthday coming up

8. Good sex

9. Seeing the stars all clear and big at the cabin

10. HARRY POTTER

I have a mental disability and for some reason after I go into bold on this computer I can't go back. Let me rephrase that...once I go bold, I never go back. Yippee Kayee motherfuckers (shoot myself in the shoulder???).

Out of Explorer Back to Mozilla thanks to a Smart Friend.

I think the title says it all.....
No, there is more going on in my life than the fact that I can now use Mozilla efficiently. I have had a pretty strange day actually. I woke up exhausted because I had to take my roommate to the emergency room last night for a terrible migraine. I thought that it would make my day awful and true to form I stumbled to my interview for a local restaurant (fingers crossed) looking like shit. However, the interview went well and afterwards my roommate and I (thats for you if you ever read this B) went and looked at more apartments and actually signed a lease. I am super excited about that. One week ago I was feeling like a complete life failure and now that I am possibly getting a real job and a new apartment I feel like an unstoppable rock star. I have a boy who is interested in me, really actually interested, who is confident, funny, nice, smart, sexy, strong, stable and independent. I am feeling myself all of these qualities and only on five hours of sleep. It is insane how just one little thing like signing a lease can make me feel like an adult again. Actually, its that independent feeling I would love to explore right now on this oh so emotion filled blog. It's funny because for the last few weeks I have had up and down feelings about weather or not I am interested in B. I have been feeling really uneasy about our relationship (not like boyfriend girlfriend just our actual communication etc.). I couldn't put my finger on it at first and I tried to pass it off that it was just so incredibly magical but even as I was telling him that I knew that the "magic" wasn't the true reason I felt awkward. I am now understanding it. I have always been a really independent person and as a result I feel that relationally I tend to draw dependent people towards me. This has been a frustration in most dating relationships I have had but in all reality it has almost made me become dependent on having a dependent person in my life (if that makes sense at all I give you props). I am always the one pushing away and my significant other is always clinging closer and closer. I have become used to this as a norm. Now I have finally met someone on my playing field, someone who doesnt necessarily "need" me. The problem is, I am so used to being needed that I get nervous that I am not good enough for him because he isn't constantly flocking to me. But isn't that what I have always wanted? The ability to be myself, to move freely and independently in my own personal space while still having a meaningful close relationship? YES! In every sense. Now, that relationship is sitting right in front of me, and although it will most likely not last more than a summer (he isn't from here) I am finally seeing that it is exactly what I want. Now I just need to get used to the logistics, i.e him not calling me four times a day to see how I am, not needing me to assure him that he is amazing constantly, him not assuring me that I am amazing constantly, not being his muse etc. This is weird and this is scary but it is exactly what I want. If only he could stay in my life...However, no matter how this ends up I am pumped to know that there is at least another person out there like me, who could possibly help me remember what it means to be that independent, confident person that I was before that whole mess of ex boyfriends appeared.
Wow. That was a lot on boys. I hope there isn't anymore soon.... I burned a bunch of good music today from a friend. If you are reading this and you have never listened to the Dandy Warhols, you should get off this blog right now and go find them.

Still stuck in explorer, no titles sorry. So I am typing up a poem now. It's officially my second poem to ever hit the internet and my first to hit a semi permanent site...

Good Sex

The scratches on my back
from grass in a city park
give voice to thoughts I lack
glow red in early dark.
My hands are pale, they're boney
You can almost see them through
Please don't think I'm phony
But who was using who?
Who's easier to do?

Your marks on me will fade
with summer or today
the timing was well played
but these bits of you won't stay.
Your marks on me I crave
want to see them in the rays
I'm feeling strong and brave
So come find me in our haze.

Outside of my apartment
side lawn leaves a sign
this isn't my department
but one impressions mine.
The shapes are fucking strange
long years with no connection
on the wind a sudden change
pulls me in new directions

Your Marks on me will leave
my hips won't hurt to walk
but I'll miss and I will grieve
the times we got to talk
My skin grows back so fast
like your fingers weren't here
Some things may be past
but i will always feel you near.

So, I am mentally challenged when it comes to computers. When I try to get on my blog using mozilla it won't let me for some reason so my friend who is not mentally retarded with computers suggested that I use explorer instead. So now I can get on my blog but it won't let me title anything. sooooooo....the title of this entry is gonna be called Crazy Shit.
My fourth of July was pretty good. It had a rocky start because I have been really frusterated lately about my lack of a "friend group" if you will. However, the guy I am currently thinking of entertaining the idea of liking called my roomate for some reason (instead of me I'm not sure why haha) but she invited him to hang out with us since both of us were pissed about the same problem. We hung out and lit off fireworks and all that and then I got to spend some alone time with the guy. This alone time turned out to be more biblical than expected (if you don't know what I mean look it up). So yea. It turned out to be an excellent night:) So now, jumping ahead a few days, everything seems like its in slow motion. This is a large improvement from the feeling that everything is stopped. My night with my guy friend (he needs a name, i think ill just call him B, short for Beau?? haha akward)settled down my worries and helped clarify my thoughts some. However, it brought to light new worries about what the fuck is happening in my life right now and why I can't look him straight in the eye. I have always prided myself on being the hard one to catch. I always tell people, "I might be easy to fuck but its almost impossible to make me like you." Its true too. I'm like a friggin man. This kid is the shit though. He really is. Well after this horrifying post, I really truly hope that no one that I know ever finds this blog.

4th of July

Today is the day a bunch of white men signed a piece of paper and decided that they were independant. Hurray. No. I mean really, Hurray. I don't sound excited? Hmmmmm. It's sad in a way that I'm not. I do consider myself a patriot. I believe that I would defend my land if it came under attack but the extent to which I would go is murky. I would probably grab my hatchet and my hammer and go at it farmer fighting zombies style. But who am I a patriot too? Am I loyal to my government, to my fellow Americans, to the land? Do I believe that we as a people are part of some mystical thing that is American citizenship? I am not really sure. As a skeptical, post-graduate trendy middle class Christian white girl, I don't really know the answer to that. In fact, I would say that I have more state pride than I do pride for my country. I live in Minnesota, and I love that we have one of the biggest state fairs in the country. I take pride in the fact that we have one of the highest literacy rates, best hospitals, best penitentry systems, one of the strongest democratic farmers leagues. We are liberal, pushing forward, diverse (at least in Minneapolis), a blue state at its best. I take more pride in this than in living in America because I believe that we are living in an area of America that is pushing forward to represent what America should be.
I went to the Taste of Minnesota festival today. I had a pretty good time. I love the comroderie (i cant spell) that comes with going to events like that. I had some pretty good food including a Juicy Lucy. It makes me sad though, that we need events that are so expensive, overpriced really, to make us come together for a little Minnesota pride. Thats why I like places like the farmers market better. Anyway, I just wanted to throw around a few of my ideas in my head without getting writers cramp in my journal. I think to me, Independence Day is a celebration of the ability to push forward for a better tomorrow. Those white old men with wigs were mostly racist bigotted wealthy east coast people. But, some of them were brilliant, and in their brilliancy they allowed for states such as Minnesota to exist by placing states rights high in their minds. I am not really a republican but I applaud those men for their forward thinking, for their wisdom and for their huge balls, because everyone knows that if you do something like go against the most powerful country in the world you've gotta have big ones.

Looking for New Apartments

Breathing deep, getting ready to start the second entry.....
So, it's that time of year, time to look for new apartments. What a pain in the ass. Part of me just wants to stay where I am at. My apartment now overlooks the train tracks which might sound like a terrible location but for a kid who grew up reading Boxcar Children, this apt. was a dream come true. We're walking distance from dinkeytown, right close to a park, I love my neighbors in the apt. next to us and it allows kitty cats, of which me and my roomate have one. However, I have lived in this apartment for two years now. I jog the neighborhood and I have every inch of it memorized. As comforting as that is, I probably need a change. Plus, I have plenty of bad memories from this apartment. I recently graduated from the University of Minnesota and as of now I just wish I could take almost all of my college experience and make it go awaya. I just want there to be a giant space in my memory between H.S and where I am now. That may seem melodramatic but I have had a pretty shitty time at college. This apt. specifically gives me the creeps. I had two roomates, girls who I thought were my friends and now, as both of them have been studying abroad for the past six months, I finally realize that they were never my friends. My new roomate is fabulous but living here in the place where I punched my roomate in the face, where we had numerous fights and I sat on the couch feeling alone and angry for a long time is wearing on me. I need a new start. I need a new city and a new state but I can't afford those things. So I am going to settle for a new apartment. And as big of a pain as it is going to be to heave my hide-a-bed couch out and onto the curb, I can't help but feel a little lighter as that day comes closer. If only my other problems could go away with this move. I have this ridiculously clingy guy friend who I feel I will never be able to get away from. It is completely my fault really because we set our relationship up to be like friends with benefits and of course now he likes me and has liked me forever. Instead of cutting it off, I selfishly continued the relationship because, well, who can say no to no strings attatched sex and a friend who will be there for you whenever you need him. Pretty shitty huh? Well now I am paying for it so you can wipe that smile off of your ass face.
I think its funny, that as a student my whole life, the first day of the week isn't really Sunday, its Monday, and the first day of the new year isn't January 1st, its usually sometime in September. Now that I have graduated, I expect January to slowly become something more of the new year for me, but being that I am moving into a new apartment Sept. 1st (hopefully) I am going to make that into the new year for myself, complete with resoloutions and all.

That Feeling in my Stomach

So, today is my first day posting a blog. I never thought I would reach this point and as I am doing this I feel many things at once. My stomach is actually flipping around. I feel akward, nervous, excited and curious. I also feel lame, ridiculous, selfish and boring. This is a strange place for me to be, some online community of bloggers. I don't even like that word. I keep thinking that I need to write something impressive, magical, something well worth reading when in all reality this blog is for me, myself only. However, I am hoping that it will force me to write more intelligently than I do in my journals. My journals consist of half finished thoughts, private goals, lists, poems, things I would never want a soul to know. I won't be stupid enough to put all of that stuff in my blog. I am going to force myself to write things with a bit of substance, things that its possible another human being might actually read. So why do I feel so ridiculous? Well, I am 98% sure that no one would ever want to read this. I feel like I have nothing important to say. In art class they taught me that everything has already been said, that in this postmodern society we have nothing new to give and that the best thing we can do is just speak from our hearts. That view is depressing, yet it gives me hope that its not what is being said that counts all the time, but maybe its that you are discovering, feeling and thinking for yourself in a world where we are puppets to the media and slaves to conformity. So here I am with this flopping monster in my stomach, terrified that the Magic Blog King of the Internet Blogland is going to come down on me, flog me and maroon me on a deserted island for not writing anything interesting. Well fuck you Magic Blog King. I'm not writing for you.